The Ceiling

To those experiencing a stressful, confusing, and apprehensive twenties:

Last year, I was so upset with my life. I felt so limited with my work and I especially was detached from the people around me. After months of trying to figure it out, I said, “fuck it.”

I let go of any projects or any obligations at the time, and hit the road for about four days from LA to the Bay to Portland to Seattle. I remember towards the end of my trip, my mind still wasn’t clear. I was laying down on a guest mattress at my friend’s apartment, high and paranoid, watching the ceiling above me turn clockwise… then counterclockwise… then clockwise again. The worst and darkest thoughts came to my mind.

It was the most apathetic feeling I had ever experienced. I took a deep breath and surrendered myself to this feeling- my pride, my ego, my identity- it was all gone in that moment. What was the future for me? What was ahead of me? Just a dark, cold, and empty hallway. Anything bad can happen and anything bad WILL happen without notice. So what was the point of moving forward? An hour felt like an eternity of me laying down, fidgeting, looking for a reason. I began piecing myself together 

Diffidence became humility.

Humility became consciousness.

The high was fading and the ceiling above me stopped rotating…. and there it was: looking above, not forward. I looked past the ceiling, past the stars in the sky, and way past the universe, to a place where science and technology has yet to reach, philosophy and religion has yet to comprehend. A place where life does not feel monotonous, suffering does not exist, and where understanding is universal. It’s not heaven: it’s the meaning of life. It’s so far out of reach… but it can be reached and takes the human connection.

Here I am, twenty-five years old, and this is what has become of my life, to bring the world together. Through film? Through dance? I don’t know yet. The best thing about being lost is that the world is full of possibility. And I’ve come to accept any possibility that may come my way, good or bad, but my path in life no longer feels limited.

I just feel free.

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