Some Transparency

I am a perfectionist & a procrastinator. I’d definitely say it’s caused me more frustration and missed opportunity than it has helped me.

Hell, you could look thru my Drafts on Medium and you would see countless stories and poems that I have just never finished. This is the ultimate dichotomy and it can be devastating to progress. I recognize this young, and I’m not going to let it control where I go with my life, but it has been a lingering ghost as I’ve gotten to this point.

The progress I have made and the person I have become simply confirms this dichotomy hasn’t made me completely implode. Time will tell how much of an impact it will have in my life, but I want this to be a change in my perfectionist mentality and my easily distracted procrastinator mind. I want this post to be a truthful piece about me that my friends and even my best of friends don’t really know. Essentially killing 3 birds with one stone.

Two Sides of the Coin

Two things those who love and know me can attest: 1) I am very compassionate and 2) I don’t give a fuck what people think about me. I don’t care if you are a complete stranger or the 3rd cousin, twice removed, on my mom’s side, I love everyone. We are all one bound together by love and love is all there is in this universe we occupy so it is my purpose to be caring and loving to everyone. I find the good in everyone.

Just know that I do believe that whole-heartedly. No lies, bullshit or reason to go all spiritual, only want to speak the truth. But on that note, I also understand that we all have our own individual thoughts, feelings and actions. Those thoughts, feelings and actions are your own and it’s not worth my energy to care how each individual person thinks, feels or acts towards me. Not saying that it doesn’t negatively influence me from time-to-time, but I promise that at the end of that momentary influence I recognize that an opinion is simply an individuals own thoughts, feelings or actions. I can’t change that, EVER!

This thought process took YEARS. Years of being materialistic, naive, inexperienced, insecure, broke and ungrateful. It took me living in my car in the middle of winter because I had no place to go. It took asking my family for money (who barely had any money to spare) and in return giving back to them when they needed it. It took countless walks to the park and nights of the same song on repeat. It took learning to never let someone else be burdened with my stresses, worries and fears.

When you look at the two sides of the coin, the one thing that binds it together is humility. I am incredibly fortunate for what I have, how I got here and the people who helped me get here. I am nothing without so many people and the experiences I have gone thru. They have brought out the worst in me in so many ways that I expect to never happen again, but those people, those experiences are what gave me those two traits that define me.

What Motivates Me

I strive to be fucking great. I’m not talking financially great — because I believe that comes with the level of greatness I strive for — rather I’m talking legacy great. I remember years ago watching the Will’s Wisdom video, compiling Will Smith interviews, and being in awe of one person’s thought process is identical to how I think and feel.

I have this innate addiction to being great at anything that captivates my mind, body and soul. That’s the thing though, it has to be all 3. When I feel that gravitation to something, I will become so obsessed with it and work hard to be great at it, by any means. I rarely invest my time into something that doesn’t cultivate me in that manner because fulfillment never comes when it’s forced. When I’m drawn to something, I go for it. No If’s, And’s or But’s about it.

So right now, my marketing career is my #1 focus. It has captivated me in every sense of the word and for that reason, I give it all of my focus. I love what I do. I love the opportunity and growth it offers me. I love the direction I am going and I will continue to find ways to improve as a marketer. That’s what motivates me right now.

The root of my motivation is the desire to set a precedent. Male influences in my life have left a bad taste in a lot of people’s mouth’s and have ultimately left a void for a lot of the younger (and older) generations in my family. I want to be that. I want to be the person they can come to, ask questions and know that I will provide them a standard for them to be better than.

I have shed so many tears of gratitude knowing that my family looks up to me. They believe in me and think “I made it.” Do you know what it’s like having people think that about me at 27? I am fortunate to be in the position I am in but I am far from done and I don’t think I have made it yet, at least not in my eyes.

Still, when I realized that I was going to be the person in my family who NEEDED to lead by example, I never lacked motivation. If I am not improving and learning than I am dying. If I am not trying to become a better person than how can I expect the youngin’s in my family to be? That shit runs through my mind like Jaws music before the shark attacks. And I’ll be damned if my motivation gives out before my mind and body do.

The REAL ‘L’ Word

What I am doing at this point in my life is putting emphasis on establishing fulfillment before I have my partner, my significant other, the mother of my children and my best friend. I have seen and been in too many situations in my life where people get into a relationship with no foundation of love and respect. Way too often. I refuse to put myself in that position.

To people who have questioned my sexuality or think I am putting the pussy on a pedestal, see #2 of what was previously stated. IDGAF what people think🖕🏽🖕🏽🖕🏽!!!

You haven’t seen the disrespect men have shown to women like I have. You weren’t raised around all females like I was. You don’t have the same commitment to chivalry like I do. You definitely don’t understand empathy like I do. And unlike most men, females don’t motivate me. Chasing ass, rounding up bitches and being misogynistic isn’t my thing. I heard a line from 2007’s Casino Royale that has resonated with me for years that Eva Green’s character said to Daniel Craig’s James Bond, “…you treat women like disposable pleasures rather than meaningful pursuits…” That ain’t me. Sorry but I’m not sorry. If that makes you question my sexuality, so be it! I know who I am and what I like, so a perception about me is just that.

As far as my love life goes, it’s complicated 😂 okay, not really. I just haven’t been captivated yet. Like I said before, someone or something has to captivate my mind, body and soul. When I know I’ll know. I thrive off of being intuitive and aware off my surroundings. Sometimes I am COMPLETELY oblivious to women’s interest/attraction to me but I still have awareness of when I am compelled by something or someone.

I just need someone who makes me want to take time away from work. Someone who values my time as much as I value hers. I am not complex or even difficult. Being transparent and authentic is who I try to be in every situation and dating is no different. All I ask is be is for someone to honest and straightforward. I understand the truth hurts but please don’t waste my time. Simple as that.

It will come and I am in no rush to make it happen. Whenever it happens it happens. Everything else in my life has come because I was patient and this is no different. I definitely want to find something real but I am far from the person who needs someone to make me happy or to give me fulfillment. I’m looking for someone to make me better and I can guarantee that I will reciprocate the value ten-fold.

Never Getting In

One thing I have come to recognize about myself is that I never let people in. When I think back to my childhood, my best friend was my grandmother. She was one of the only people who genuinely listened to me, who took an interest in how I felt and the things I loved.

She listened and boy she listened intently. She paid attention to me rambling on about my aspirations to play in the NBA and any sport I just had to talk about — oh yeah, she didn’t know a lick of sports without me. She listened to me talk about ideas and dreams and other hopes that I had for my future. She listened. When you push thru all the weeds of who I am you will find that’s all I ever want, someone to listen.

Guessed what I have strived hard to be: a great listener. I know more about my friends, their hardships and successes more than they know mine. I know more details about who they are and what made them who they are than they know mine. I ensure that I am an open and available ear for anyone and everyone. Everyone deserves to be heard. I am always willing to hear someone’s story and I actively SEEK to know someone’s story. Who are you? What made you who you are? What motivates you? That shit is compelling but it also tells me what kind of person you are.

But it’s not often someone really listens to me. See, I dig. You say, “I’m good” or “I’m fine/okay” and I instantly ask. “Really? What’s going on?” That’s me. I want you to tell me what’s going on and I am genuinely interested. It’s not often I find someone who is capable or interested in digging. It’s okay, because I don’t NEED someone to dig, but it would be nice. Actually, it’s something I desire.

As I stated, I recognize that it’s a part of my blueprint since I was kid. I long for that. Someone who wants to listen to me, who wants to know me. That’s a rarity now-a-days and frankly, friends rarely even seek to learn that about each other. Things have a tendency to only go to face-value and if it doesn’t bother or value you, then why pay attention to it? Then again, it’s this need for reciprocity that can be poisonous. I get it and fortunately, I don’t need it. But it would be nice.

Finally Finished

This took a long time to let everything out but I am very happy I did. One thing I always strive to be is introspective. Looking within to help improve inside out. I truly do have a desire to consistently improve and to give love every single day, in some capacity.

The basis of who I am comes from my experiences. Whether it was with the guidance and experience of others or my own. I choose to learn from anything and everything. There’s always something to learn. There’s always something improve upon. Not for the sake of making other’s happy, but for the sake of you living this life until the mother fucking wheels fall off. We all have the job of at least doing that.

Love each other and understand that there is no such thing as a life that’s better than yours. I gotta thank J. Cole for making that song as it truly is the anthem of the rest of my life. I’m grateful for everything I have been thru and everything I have. As I evolve out of this state of being perfect and allowing procrastination to dictate instances in my life I will become even better. At least I have started off my by killing 3 birds with one stone.