How To Be A Man’s Man

So I was talking to my friend Nish, a quintessential “man’s man” about the sad state of affairs that masculinity has arrived at in our generation. Thinking about it for a grand total of three seconds, I decided that I needed to help the boys of our generation become men. Real men. After conversational gems from Nish such as:

“I think public urination is sort of manly?”

and

“Yeah, haha, steak”

I decided I was ready to help YOU, sissy boy, become a real man. So let’s take a short trip back to the good old days, when men were men and women were fleshlights, strapped onto roombas.

Don’t forget to fuck bitches and/or get money.

1. Call people names (like “sissy boy”)

There’s nothing that makes me feel quite as manly as completely degrading the self-worth of another man. Names like “sissy boy”, “Indivagina Jones” and “llama” are a good start, but make sure you’re using them in the right context. For instance, anyone who’s a good listener is instantly less manly.

Just recently, for instance, I started a conversation with my boyfriend and he was just so understanding and attentive that I hit him with a metal chair just to get out of the sissy-zone. When he started crying I called him a “Llama bitch” and rode out of the room on my skateboard. Try to make every conversation some equivalent to that.

Gavrilo Princip probably thought Franz Ferdinand was a sissy boy.

2. Eat steak

Steak is the manliest of meals, especially when you cook them on your six-pack via the FUCKING sun. Beer six-pack or ab six-pack?

Fucking. Both.

Real men build things that fuck the sky.

3. Realize Your Sole Worth In Life

A. Your job.
B. How much money you’re making (at your job).

You know who goes after their passion in life? Llamas.

4. Flex all the time

Never. Fucking. Stop.

5. Kill a bear

Step One: Find bear

Step Two: Kill bear

6. Sport

Always start conversations with “How about sports, huh? Sports are… Just wow”. Don’t be afraid to tell your guy friends how much you yourself sport on occasion and ask them how many touchdowns they’ve hit.

Ray Charles hit many touchdowns before he became a music.

7. Fashion

You basically only have four choices, separated into two categories: Classic, and Classy.

Classic
- Leather jacket
- White shirt and jeans

Classy
- Suit (Black tie)
- Sport jersey (White tie)

8. Don’t stop flexing!

Did I say you could fucking stop!?!

Du Fu pissed because you call him Confucius.

9. Craft Shit.

Pinterest that crafted shit. Bitches love Pinterest and well-finished crafts.

10. Realize that nothing will inherently make you masculine, other than pursuing your own goals and achieving them for yourself, that masculinity has evolved to a point where the confidence that comes from personal achievement and self-actualization is the only thing that constitutes a sense of “manliness”

Psych.