Have You Ever Been Fully Seen? I Finally Was. Here’s What Happened.

Saturday I had a breakthrough. The kind where afterward I was emotionally exhausted from the amount of stuff that came up and was expressed. You might say, if you were into astrology and a bit witchy like me, that the Capricorn new moon cracked me the eff open.

Endings and New Beginnings

The end of 2018 was a very satisfying conclusion for me. I felt complete, successful, and more solid than I have in the last five years. I accomplished what I set out to for the year, or most of it anyway, and on New Year’s Eve I reflected on my “wins” and celebrated solo in a way I’ve come to love — a bath ceremony.

I filled my bathtub with steaming hot water, lined up all my crystals on the edge of the tub, lit the most sensual-smelling candles, brought my tropical plants in to enjoy the humidity, and sank deeply into my soul portal. That’s right. There’s a portal in my bathroom.

I did say I was a bit witchy.

The message I received on NYE was to “free my tongue,” which is interesting because I’ve been talking about #freethelump for some time.

I was looking forward to the first weekend in 2019 for several months because I was asked to give the opening banquet talk to a group of spiritual women at the I Am Becoming Retreat. For me this is akin to giving a keynote at a conference, but in a more relaxed environment with my soulful sisters.

We arrived Friday afternoon, settled into our cabins and had a team meeting. The team I was a part of is pretty rad. It consisted of two massage therapists, an herbalist, a money breakthrough coach, a life coach for millennial women, an energy worker, an interior consultant, the founder of Bold and Bright Fest, a boudoir photographer, the founder of Vendor Love, a latin dance instructor, a yoga teacher, a lifestyle solutions specialist, and me, the founder of Badass Empath Academy.

The banquet was a success. The keto-friendly food was delicious, the abundance bags we got to fill with gifts from all the presenters was delightful, and my talk, titled “Get Your Magic Back” (with the appropriate number and placement of f-bombs), sparked the audience’s energy and set a tone for the rest of the weekend.

Saturday right after breakfast was the first session of the day. We were able to participate in as many sessions as we wanted or we could relax and enjoy downtime to our liking. I was excited about the vision board-like playshop lead by Rachel Brownlow Lund, where she said, “The Me Project Playshop is a fun, inspiring and insightful process designed to help you dream big and live a life of purpose and impact.”

That’s my kinda workshop right there.

Rachel had dozens and dozens of magazines for us to choose from but only these 5 x 7 inch boards. I was like, “how’s that gonna work?” Turns out these are vision snapshots. Unlike the poster board sized ones I’m used to, her approach is to have a portable (and sturdy) one to take with you. I dig it.

In addition to the ripping out of magazine pages and finding just the right words to represent what we’re calling in this year, she also had us do a writing exercise that covered nine areas of life. Her instructions were to write out an ideal version of our lives, a vision of the future spoken into reality.

One area was Contribution. So I wrote about my work.

“Today I am speaking to an audience of 250 healers, coaches, and holistic service providers. I’m feeling the most aligned I ever have. I’m giddy with excitement and somehow equally calm, centered. My talk is refined — I worked with Mark and Shannon to make it a rockstar talk. I’m feeling confident my next 5 ideal private clients are in this audience.
I’ve increased the tuition for Badass Empath Academy so these new enrollments will more than cover my annual expenses. The revenue from this one event will also allow me to plan a celebratory holiday — taking my mom and nieces to Hawaii for a week! I will also be able to host the girl’s weekend in Palm Springs I’ve been wanting to do for five years.
I am ecstatic with how my business has grown. I get to talk to people, make a difference, and take care of the people I love. THIS IS MY LIFE. I am so grateful.”

I also wrote about my lover, our morning sex, and healthy lifestyle in the Love section. But I’ll spare you the erotic details of that one. For now.

I was so excited about this vision of my future I shared a bit with the group before we moved on to the next part of the exercise. But I had no idea what would come after that.

Rachel then asks for volunteers to share the area they did not write about. The area that we were resisting or unclear was the area we were going to explore and enhance. By enhance, she meant the rest of the circle would “add to it,” filling out the vision for the person sharing.

Guess who volunteered?

Immediately I felt the kind of anxiety you feel when you’re about to jump off a cliff into the lake. Or bungee jump. Equal parts terror and “I have to do this!”

The tears were ready to release at a moment’s notice. I had no doubt this was going to be a vulnerable share so I warned the gals, and off I went.

I said…

“It’s April of 2020 and I’m on stage at Paleo f(x) telling my story of soul wounds and self-healing. It’s been 10 years of truth seeking, letting go, and upleveling my life to become the woman I am today. I’ve taught my system and given this talk dozens of times before. But what makes this time different than all the others is this time I have proof.
I no longer have a tumor.”

Right on cue, the ugly cry comes rushing through.

I’m telling these women what I see for my life in just over a year. I’m free of the lump I’ve lived with for a decade. (The lump is a rare brain stem tumor, the size of a lime, that’s on the nerve that controls my tongue.) In this vision I’m teaching what I know about self-healing and presenting before and after photos as evidence. The photos in my vision illustrate what I know now in my heart is true — the healing has already occurred.

You see, the healing was never about my body. It was always about my soul.

It took a while to really get to that truth but when I did, magic happened. The tumor didn’t dissolve overnight but what did happen almost instantly is I gave up thinking I was broken. I no longer bought the self-sabotaging story that something’s wrong with me.

I was free to be me.

Me with my flaws and my failures and my fucked up past, I was finally at peace with it all.

I fell in love with myself for the first time in my life. I fell in love with the lump.

It’s taken the last five years to get ‘my world’ to reflect the freedom I feel inside. It wasn’t an easy journey to get here but it sure as hell has been a journey worth showing up for.

Back to the vision snapshot story…

I was in no way expecting to crack open that way, and I was caught off guard by the outpour of emotion, but in the presence of those seven women I felt the most seen and supported I ever have in my life.

I’m 44, y’all. It’s about fucking time.

Rachel lead the “add to it” step of the visioning exercise, sharing about how much bigger the exposure is that I receive as a result of telling my story and inspiring others to show up fully for themselves. She talked about Oprah getting wind of what I’ve been up to and the invitation to come on SuperSoul Sunday as a featured guest.

More tears.

Then the next woman goes on to build upon the vision. Then the next. And the next, until seven women have shared their unbounded vision for me, my life, my success and joy, and fullest self-expression.

My heart is exploding with love and gratitude.

My eyes are red and puffy and there’s a knot in my throat from all the feelings that just bubbled up and over like a too-generous pour of champagne.

Then, just when I was catching my breath, this happened.

Blakely, who had already shared her vision for my future, felt compelled to add “just one more thing,” she said, at the end.

I was already feeling exposed, raw, and naked like a helpless newborn who had just been expelled from the warm, safe, known space of her mother’s womb.

But Blakely brought out the big guns, like bazooka-sized love-bomb guns. She added, “And when you’re on that stage your man will be in the audience, in awe of your courage and your conviction, ready to be by your side for the rest of your journey. He will love you for the woman you were, the one you are becoming, and the one you are at this moment. He will see you as the magical, magnetic, miraculous woman you are.”

And yep, you guessed it… more tears.

Sobbing, I knew then and there that this was the reason I was at the I Am Becoming Retreat.

I was given permission to be exactly who I am, with my big ass dream of speaking on a global-impact level and my crazy complex goal of freeing the lump in less than a year.

I know the manifestation power of that group of women will catalyze an even more miraculous outcome than I can imagine.

I am ready.

I know my life is now on a new trajectory.

I feel as if I came out of hiding Saturday, January 5, 2019 and told the truth about my deepest soul-level desire.

I freed my tongue.

I was witnessed in a way that makes the revealing so powerful, so cathartic.

I believe my vision, enhanced by my sisters, is already manifesting. The inevitability of my dream is a given. I know this in my bones. And it will be even more magnificent than the view from Big Timber Lodge.

I Am Becoming: The Badass I Was Born to Be.

If you’ve never been fully seen and supported, I highly recommend finding a group or a retreat to participate in. I know a few good ones, so if you’re interested, drop a comment and I’ll get you connected.

Big Timber Lodge: Sunset January 5, 2019