Your post really resonated with my own struggles when I was younger (though we are only about a decade apart). The honesty of that struggle is not often written about, so I really applaud you for that. I constantly puzzle over trying to learn to love myself but also wanting to be honest about how moving my body through this world can make that constant challenge. Our current culture doesn’t reward me for being chubbier, shorter, small eyed, or whatever. Chirpy optimists will tell you to ignore those people — but the truth is- it’s not just an individual problem, it’s brought on by bigger entities defining beauty for us and selling things to help us achieve it. Sometimes I just want to say, “Yeah, our fucked up perspective on beauty is part of a bigger, systemic problems linked to sexism etc, so stop telling me to buck up and accept that some of us have to feel the burdens of those problems.” I know it’s what’s in the inside that counts, but I don’t wholly take responsibility for that and want an outlet for that frustration and respect for the acceptance and tolerance I had as a not conventionally pretty person..

As I’ve grown older, my acne went away, I have understood my body more, a prioritize eating well and exercising for my health — which has it’s aesthetic benefits. Finding the time, energy, and space to incorporate all that took time and frankly some privilege. It’s easier to hit the gym and buy good food when you have a flexible job that pays you enough and doesn’t overwork you. However, I’m chubs for life. Even though I’ve shed a lot of weight in the past few years, inside I’m always the chubbiest of all my girlfriends, wondering why that matters so much.