If Padmé Stopped Giving A Fuck In Star Wars Episodes I-III

hello peasants

it is i

queen of naboo

bow and be slayed

ah at last the princess

it’s queen

i literally just said that

queen padmé

notorious p

anyway

we are wearing our blockade hats

so it’s pretty official

the blockade has begun

circling back

there’s a difference between princess and queen right

like princess is a title

queen is legitimate political power

yes fine

but the blockade

we stop people from entering or leaving the planet

i know what a blockade is

the question is

do you know what a queen is

for example

point to the person in the hologram who is the QUEEN of naboo

padmé plz

we’ve done several blockades and this is our best one imo

we have a whole treaty and everything

did we mention the hats

yes well

diplomacy will prevail

padmé will make it so

aka

prepare to be dragged

lol ok

ugly outfit btw

piss yourself

this dress is worth more than your whole spaceship

well it seems negotiations have gone tits up

yes my queen

i thought the monks were supposed to be here

what are they called again

jedi

yes i know

they’re probably under water somewhere

jedi love that

water?

yes my queen who knew right

have u ever met a jedi who didn’t love water

not a single one

huh

hey thx for dropping by

just whenever you’re ready to stop the invasion

you know

do your thing

oh we can’t do that

there are only two of us

oh

can’t say i’m not a little disappointed frankly

sorry

not to be rude

but why does your face look

well

it doesn’t look different

yes that’s it

it is definitely different from in the pictures

its a bit hard to tell with all the makeup but yeah i am a bit confused

i’m not a decoy

shit

we should go forth to the senate

are you trying to change the subject

what you’re saying is

you

passing travelers with no money or quantifiable skills

have fucked up the royal spaceship of naboo

well the trade federation shot us

i advise u to land somewhere for repairs

you advise me?

i own this spaceship

i decide where we go

if we do not land soon we will be captured

there is a planet nearby where we can find a spare part

it’s a very important part of the spaceship

fine

i have a plan

we will land somewhere to make repairs

like a nearby planet

that’s what we’ve been saying

this is ass

padmé keep it together

i thought jedi were supposed to love water

there’s no water

the local cuisine is giving me ibs

citizens gamble with human life in a literal sense

yes but the spare part —

sure but why do we all have to sit here and watch the racing

it’s called solidarity padmé

it is so hot

i bet we could find at least one bar

they would probably be showing it on a tv

if we start networking now i bet within a few months

i could be queen of this planet too

that seems like more of an asset than this spaceship part tbh

two planets for padmé

what would the senate say about the blockade then i wonder

sit down padmé

you’re having a heat stroke

so glad you are here queen

to help me with my career

i mean

to help end the blockade

yes you are truly blessed to be in my presence

just tell me what to do

first

release a diss track to urban radio

um

jk

but it wouldn’t hurt

anyway we should push for a vote of no confidence in the chancellor

that will make the chancellor go away

but we want the trade federation to go away

not the chancellor

have u bumped your head

imo we want both of them to go away

obviously i am not self-interested at all

right

for naboo

rah rah etc etc

ok

hi guys

queen of naboo speaking it’s a whole thing

i wouldn’t ordinarily come here

don’t really care for noise pollution

also ate some food that is coming back around again

that aside

help us plz

one

whodafuk

two

everyone here loves the blockades

they’re really just a hoot

right senators?

anyway

with all due respect

learn to read the room

with all due respect

you’re just cgi

so blow me

rude

everything was fine here before you showed up

do u know who i am

i could buy your home planet on discount

padmé plz

if this body is not capable of action

I suggest new leadership is needed

me

i call for a vote of no confidence

and nominate myself for chancellor

you can’t do that padmé

you’re not even a senator

does anyone have any better ideas tho

how dare u steal this nomination from your queen

yes well politics you know

plus you skewed the field

made me seem like a moderate

you could totally hang around

when people hear your entire civilization is being wiped out

they generally are like ‘that guy should lead us’

and you just have that look that says

help

yeah about that

i have decided to return to naboo

um are you sure

it seems like well

kind of trashed right now

did i stutter?

what is the plan my queen

we will go to the disenfranchised people

they will surely help us after we fucked them over for generations

good plan my queen

help plz

um

yeah

so here’s the thing

our nations don’t even like each other

how am i supposed to have solved that

with less than a year in office

look at this face

do i look a day over 15

ok fair u make a good point

also we took jar jar away so basically you owe us a huge favor

guys i have another plan

it’s a good plan to get into the throne room

why don’t we just bomb the shit out of the building

kill the trade federation people

that seems effective

no this plan is better and a lot more cool and fun

trust padmé

are u sure this will work padmé

yes it’s fine

we couldn’t have used the stairs because…

there were too many robots

they’re droids

and there weren’t that many of them

we were doing ok tbh

like actually we were win —

be silent

the queen has chosen

damn

there are robots in here too

the curveballs just keep coming

and padmé keeps swerving

coup game strong

politic on fleek

are you talking to yourself padmé

also why are there two of you

flawless decoys of the queen obviously

oh very clever

i am glad you think so

no one else seems to

oh what a shame

i was really fooled

perhaps you should visit an optometrist

anyway we’re done here

many happy returns

on becoming chancellor or whatever

still not over it tbh

but we’re both obscenely rich so

yes and congratulations to you as well

for breaking back into your own palace

are you throwing shade

i see you are re-using that outfit

well i last wore it on a different planet

so it’s not like anyone here would know

who’s the small child with u

um he’s not with me padmé

he’s been with you the whole time

and the jedi

oh right

my mistake

‡several years later‡

YAAAS

CORDÉ

SLAY

WERK

YAAAA —

oh

shit

who did this tho

probably count dooku

who

count dooku

who

count dooku

yes i heard you the first time

but what i mean is who dares come for padmé

um so is your question rhetorical

if you come for padmé u best finish the job

yes well

the jedi will protect you from now on

you don’t even understand

padmé will cut a bitch down

plz stop referring to yourself in the third person

it’s throwing everyone off

do u remember me

haha of course

dont lie padmé

ok yes sorry

no idea

we met on tatooine

i was a small child

um struggling to recall

busy life of a queen etc etc

um ur a senator now

it has been 10 years

i think about u every day

so does everyone else on tatooine

that’s how many weaves were snatched when i visited

so anyway this force thing i’m the best at it apparently

thats why i have been assigned to protect u

i thought it was to get u out of obi wan’s hair

but ok sure

does that make me appealing do u think

being a good force user

appealing to who

like to women

which women

you know, women

i don’t know

like maybe women with jobs in politics

oh my we’ve landed already great we had this chat

(anakin

stop talking

no

plz

be quiet

no words bb

plz

shh)

why are we here

it seems very romantic

well this is one of my favorite spots

and i wanted to come here

so u had to come with me

but why this spot

i already explained it

but it seems very romantic

u know

the two of us

here together

just think of it like i am here by myself

and u are here too but less important and in the background

padmé plz

come on anakin

cordé didn’t die for this

padmé do u think it would be really cool and fun

if i were the king of the galaxy

or something similar

haven’t really decided on the title yet

are u high

no for real

like one person makes all the choices for everyone

um

and that person was me

no

that would suck balls

haha very funny padmé u have a great sense of humor

this is shit

someday i will rule the universe

padmé

i want to do it the sex

i’m sorry?

i am strong with the force

is that a euphemism?

u have been flirting a lot

no i haven’t

you’re very bad at reading people

plz padmé

why not try one of the handmaidens

they look just like me

remember from the first movie

is that really going to work tho

oh yes talk to sabé she has a type

do u all talk about this sort of thing?

of course it’s called handmaiden talk

like girl talk but more formal

oh

see perfect problem solved

i have a question

about the tiny braid

is it real

or do u sew it in every morning

i want to go home

why

can’t think of a good comeback?

no because i feel really sad

and also u rejected me for sex

so if you come with me maybe this will help us bond over something

i wouldn’t count on it but fine

oh this planet again

padmé plz

there’s only one biome don’t u think that’s weird

it’s not like naboo is any better

yes it is there are two

underwater and above water

that’s twice as many biomes

thx for transmitting the message about obi wan padmé

very good and cool of you to help out

now you and anakin stay where you are

what do you mean

stay where you are

is this some kind of reverse psychology

um

if you wanted me to help just be more direct

that’s not what i meant at all

padmé

padmé

anakin

shit

you’re sure that this would be the place

where obi wan is

yes i mean where else but the creepiest part of the planet

could he possibly go

that’s kind of his thing

logical

can i be honest

i have always fantasized about —

no

who are u

and tbh who sneaks into a droid factory

oh is that what this is?

very homey

what are your motivations for being here

i have come to see count duku

dokuü

dokø

dooku?

that’s the one

stop looking at me like that

we all have off days

well so we may never see each other again after this?

yes i guess

ok so

i have been thinking about the force

now of all times?

well ppl have been telling me its hereditary

right definitely

so basically if we did sex

my kids would get the force

assuming its not a recessive trait

um yes?

wow

i see

is this really happening

ok cool

here is a plastic cup i have been saving for this purpose

are u serious

i’ll just look the other way

and you do your business

someone hand me that turkey baster real quick

question

why do i have to hold the big gun

and you get the stick

it seems far lighter by comparison

um because i am the jedi

but i could just buy one right

as queen of a planet

i keep telling u

you’re not a queen anymore padmé

or do u have to have the special rat tail

to balance out the swing

shit

‡several months pass‡

oh

didn’t expect to see you here

the last time i saw you

well

you fell off air transport

it was embarrassing

anyway i killed count dooku for u

um i didn’t ask you to do that

plz give me kisses

no thanks

unless u want me to barf directly into your mouth

btw i’m pregnant now

it’s yours

kind of

remember in the stadium that whole thing

yes i remember

best 30 seconds of my life

stop

this is a sexy moment

right?

no not really

more like

awkward

padmé

what

i am having bad dark side thoughts

very naughty

slap me

ew

ok for serious

worried about ur safety

that’s real tho

i could be assassinated at any moment

for being too fabulous and intelligent

true

anyway it’s none of your business

you and i don’t really speak

and why are you in one of my many houses

handmaiden / attendant

i am bored and lonely

let’s fly in takeout from another planet because we can

not to be a dick

but this would never have happened if I was chancellor

padmé plz

we could be seriously fucked

here’s an idea

just spitballing

i get up on the middle part of the chamber

the stamen

padmé knows biology

kill palpatine

the catch is

i’m disguised as the creepy bald one

so no one can tell it’s me

you can’t do that padmé

that’s cultural appropriation

and murder

oh damn

well

desperate times

padmé no

not in front of all the senators

would it really be so bad tho

YES

just think padmé

if you were anakin

where would you be

um

beating off furiously

humping the leg of a chair

using a podracer turbine as a —

padmé plz

you have the force babies

does that give me a fucking sixth sense

no but

maybe we can just use your big spaceship

ok if you insist but don’t break it like last time

that was 10 years ago

i keep trying to tell you the trade federation shot us

are u sure about this

very much so yes

u know i don’t like these one-biome planets

nothing good ever happens

but naboo my queen

it’s just a swamp

turn the ship around

but anakin my queen

yes

thing is

i simply can’t be bothered

but obi wan my queen

he’s on board for plot reasons

fine we will drop him off

and then leave

honestly just fly low and open the hatch

*gives birth 2x*

damn padmé are u ok

yes dab my minimal sweat robot nurse

yes of course

now i’m good

you’re not sad?

what?

about anakin?

he died

when u dropped obi wan out of ur spaceship

he sniped anakin with a long range blaster

it was efficient and painless

bummer

anyway guys

i have decided that being a parent isn’t really for me

padmé

isn’t it a little late for that

well i tried it and i didn’t like it

i am the queen of at least one planet

maybe two

um

i just don’t have the time

besides they are force babies

whatever that means

someone will snatch them right up i bet

anyone?

hellooo

‡ many years later ‡

wow padmé

you would not believe

what luke and leia are up to these days

oh yes?

changing the galaxy for the better

making a difference and shit

defeating the empire

it’s like the trade federation but worse

fascinating

just one question

who are luke and leia

they’re your kids

you literally named them

well shit

padmé saves the day once again

‡ many more years later ‡

wow

what a full life padmé had

i will always remember her wisdoms:

hire a good therapist

never pity fuck someone

beige makes u look washed out

if the alien is bigger than u there is some part of it that wants to eat u

even if you’re both senators and at a holiday party

glad i spray-painted this headdress from episode 1 tho

it’s more me this way

small steps little queen

small steps

Colin Heasley is a writer based in NYC. Follow him on Twitter or on Medium.