Daily Receptionist Log at the Office VOICE, the Victims of Immigration Crime Engagement
0745 Sent here by the Temp Agency. Fuck me.
0750 Nobody here was even in the military. Not sure why we keep military time.
0800 Over the PA, live rendition of “We Shall Overcome” by Joan Baez, played in its entirety, followed by the complete collection of Andrew W.K.
0830 Morning meeting. The director reinstates the mission statement of VOICE, “to support the victims of crimes committed by criminal aliens”. He then shows the clip from Jurassic Park when the T-Rex is chasing the jeep. This is apparently supposed to be instructive. End of meeting.
0845 The director visits my desk to break the news that I will be the only person taking calls today. “The interns just aren’t ready,” he says. The director’s resume includes seducing co-eds when he was in grad school and evading prison for tax evasion.
0855 I pretend to get coffee from the break room as an excuse to peer in on the intern training. They are watching a scene from the first half of “Full Metal Jacket.”
0900–1130 No calls. Two interns fight over the last donut in the break room. ICE officers taser each of them and drag them “downstairs,” the director’s words.
1131 I eat the last donut in the break room.
1200 The director takes us out to lunch at Hooters. I’m not very hungry.
1400 Back in the office.
1400–2000 I take over 100 phone calls reporting sighting of UFOs, Bigfoot, beasties, It the clown, the Potomac Monster, which is like the Loch Ness Monster but in the Potomac river, aliens, the movie Aliens, Harry from “Harry and the Hendersons”, Mac from “Mac and Me,” and a republican with a spine. I asked for the interns’ help, but they were busy pouring jars of queso into a pile and trying to burn it.
2001 The director congratulates me on my first day of work, tells me I can go home, and asks me to report early tomorrow morning.
2002 I tell the director I quit. The director tells me quitting is “going AWOL.” I tell him this isn’t the military. For that, he fires me.
9pm-11pm I watch “You’ve Got Mail” in my apartment while drinking whiskey. The movie gives me an idea. I email my VOICE log to everyone I know. They email back saying it’s the funniest thing they’ve read all week. They can’t believe I wasted an entire day of my life there.