Donald Trump Explains Movie Plots
Zero Dark Thirty
Zero Dark Thirty. THE MAN IS IN PAKISTAN. I knew it the whole time. You don’t think I knew? I knew, believe me. Should’ve asked.
Tom Cruise, Maverick, the best pilot. Ok. Thanks for your service. Kills his friend, his wingman. Kills him. It happened. It’s true what they say: he’s a dangerous man.
Neo, “The One,” apparently. Stops bullets. Well, dodges bullets first. Takes him a while. I don’t know, I prefer living in the Matrix. Am I wrong? It’s a better world. It is.
The Dark Knight
Batman, he’s a Bat Man. He likes bats, apparently. The Joker tells jokes or something, I don’t know, other people are saying this. I haven’t seen it, but it’s a good movie. It’s very good.
So, Nemo, he’s gone. Dory looks for him. And good for her, okay? No, seriously, good for her. I wouldn’t do that. You want me to find you? Don’t get lost. Simple.
The Sixth Sense
This kid, he sees dead people. Nobody believes him, I don’t believe him. His shrink-he has a shrink-Bruce Willis, never speaks to his wife, which, I understand. Turns out, Bruce is dead the whole time. When I’m a ghost, I’ll know.
So, Matt Damon, he’s on Mars. I don’t care. I really don’t. It’s not my fault he got left behind. How is it my fault?
This guy, Forrest Gump. Very stupid. But, American hero. Jenny? I’ve had better. Hippies are terrible people. Just terrible.
Two guys-they’re cowboys-they’re in love. Not a problem. BUT. They don’t end up together. Why? Too scared. Losers.
Lost in Translation
Bill Murray goes to Japan. Sad the entire time. He meets a young woman, too. Blows it. Absolutely blows it. Not me.
Guy has short term memory loss, looks for his wife’s killer. Tattoos all over his body. I remember everything. Not a single tattoo. Not one.
The Usual Suspects
Keyser Soze, family man, gets things done. Lies to the cops and gets away. If I was a cop, that would never happen.
Originally published at colinraunig.com on August 21, 2016.