Donald Trump Explains Movie Plots

Zero Dark Thirty
 
 Zero Dark Thirty. THE MAN IS IN PAKISTAN. I knew it the whole time. You don’t think I knew? I knew, believe me. Should’ve asked.
 
 Top Gun
 
 Tom Cruise, Maverick, the best pilot. Ok. Thanks for your service. Kills his friend, his wingman. Kills him. It happened. It’s true what they say: he’s a dangerous man.
 
 The Matrix
 
 Neo, “The One,” apparently. Stops bullets. Well, dodges bullets first. Takes him a while. I don’t know, I prefer living in the Matrix. Am I wrong? It’s a better world. It is.
 
 The Dark Knight
 
 Batman, he’s a Bat Man. He likes bats, apparently. The Joker tells jokes or something, I don’t know, other people are saying this. I haven’t seen it, but it’s a good movie. It’s very good.
 
 Finding Nemo
 
 So, Nemo, he’s gone. Dory looks for him. And good for her, okay? No, seriously, good for her. I wouldn’t do that. You want me to find you? Don’t get lost. Simple.
 
 The Sixth Sense
 
 This kid, he sees dead people. Nobody believes him, I don’t believe him. His shrink-he has a shrink-Bruce Willis, never speaks to his wife, which, I understand. Turns out, Bruce is dead the whole time. When I’m a ghost, I’ll know.
 
 The Martian
 
 So, Matt Damon, he’s on Mars. I don’t care. I really don’t. It’s not my fault he got left behind. How is it my fault?
 
 Forrest Gump
 
 This guy, Forrest Gump. Very stupid. But, American hero. Jenny? I’ve had better. Hippies are terrible people. Just terrible.
 
 Brokeback Mountain
 
 Two guys-they’re cowboys-they’re in love. Not a problem. BUT. They don’t end up together. Why? Too scared. Losers.
 
 Lost in Translation
 
 Bill Murray goes to Japan. Sad the entire time. He meets a young woman, too. Blows it. Absolutely blows it. Not me.
 
 Memento
 
 Guy has short term memory loss, looks for his wife’s killer. Tattoos all over his body. I remember everything. Not a single tattoo. Not one.
 
 The Usual Suspects
 
 Keyser Soze, family man, gets things done. Lies to the cops and gets away. If I was a cop, that would never happen.


Originally published at colinraunig.com on August 21, 2016.