I am not sure why I am writing this but I literally feel like I can’t focus on anything until I write this out right now. For the past few months I felt like I could just handle this grief quietly on my own with Jon. But the more friends I talk to, the more common I realize miscarriage is (it happens to 1 in 4 pregnancies) and I have always been one to wear my heart on my sleeve. I am probably an “over-sharer”. I spill my guts in my song lyrics and always encourage others to feel their emotions and share how they are REALLY feeling. So I felt like it was time to tell you how I am really feeling. In hopes to raise awareness about this should-not-be-but-for-some-reason-is taboo topic, and hopefully to find some closure of my own.
After I had a very scary pregnancy with Maddox I decided in 2018 that I would never put my body through that again. But as he turned 3 and I started feeling the pressure to give him a sibling (literally EVERYONE feels the need to tell me that I need to give him a sibling..) I decided to put my fear aside and just go for it.
I found out I was pregnant with our little baby whom we’ve named “Mia” on Thanksgiving morning, November 25th, 2021. It honestly was a surprise because we had only just started trying that month and it took us awhile to get pregnant with Maddox. I surprised Jon by adding a 4th stocking to our Christmas decorations (yeah I am that girl who decorated for Christmas before Thanksgiving even happened LOL). He was full of emotions like me… happy, scared, excited, cautiously optimistic. And I say “cautiously optimistic” because we had a miscarriage with our baby “Poppy” before Maddox. We knew that it wasn’t smart to share the news until the second trimester. But after what I went through with Maddox I knew I would literally need a team of people to help me get through this pregnancy, so we told our closest friends and family. We surprised my Mom with the test, we made cookies for my in-laws that said “baby #2” and we waited patiently for that first ultrasound.
The week I found out I was pregnant I started get weird heart rhythms. I had to wear a heart monitor and see my cardiologist because I have a congenital heart defect and we wanted to make sure my heart could handle the pregnancy. Apparently they were just PVCs due to my hormones and elevated blood levels. (Yay, one more complication to add to my list LOL) Next I started feeling itchy and GI issues which was the beginning of another battle with Cholestasis (a pregnancy complication of the liver which elevates the risk for a stillborn baby, and the reason I had to deliver Maddox early at 36 weeks via C-section). I am sure I would have ended up with Gestational Diabetes again too, but we never made it to the test.
At 9 weeks, the week after Christmas (thank God we waited until after Christmas and got to enjoy the holiday as a family of 4) we went in for our first ultrasound. I was going to have to see two different OB’s at UCLA because I was considered high risk. This first OB was super sweet and made us feel comfortable that all would be well with managing my complications. And then came the ultrasound. And then came the silence. I knew when she didn’t say anything, that something was wrong. There was no longer a heartbeat. We had lost our baby.
Having had a miscarriage before, I thought I knew what to expect. But this hit me like a slap in the face. I had zero warning signs that anything was wrong. Our OB said this was called a “missed miscarriage” where the body doesn’t recognize the loss yet. I was so shocked and upset that she offered to have us come back the following week to re-check. If there was still no heartbeat then we should book surgery for a D&C procedure. I literally couldn’t speak. How could my body betray me like this?
I decided to wait a week and see if my body would figure things out so that I didn’t have to go in for surgery. And at 10 weeks, after hours of painful miscarriage contractions and tears, we lost our baby Mia on New Years Eve.
What a fucking way to start off the 2022 new year right?
I went through what I thought were all my stages of grief. I was angry, confused, sad, a little bit relieved that I wasn’t going to go through 30 more weeks of complications, then extremely guilty about feeling that way, then depressed… and the cycle started over. I thought I could busy myself with music, and getting back to the gym, but grief creeps back in from time to time, and sometimes when you least expect it.
People keep asking me, what now? And the answer is I have no clue. Do I want to give my son a sibling? Of course. Can I mentally and physically handle another pregnancy? I don’t think so. Am happy as a family of 3? Yes. And am I open to adoption? Absolutely. Do I regret not having kids sooner? No. I am very thankful that I got to chase my dreams, tour to 48 states with my band, travel to 11 countries, and build a solid bond with my husband before we had kids, and I wouldn’t change that for the world.
For now, I honestly just feel extremely thankful to God that I get to be Maddox’s mom. Going through this experience just made me appreciate all that I went through to bring him into this world. If we end up a family of 4 at some point by way of adoption, that would be awesome. And if not? Well that is okay too. For now we plan to do a lot more traveling, making music, and just being present with Maddox because the time literally flies by so fast. I am seeing him so much more clearly now that I stopped to take a breath, and just appreciate the little moments with him. The way he hugs me, his cute voice, the way he asks me so many questions and tells me “You’re the best mom”. What matters most to me in THIS moment is that I have an amazing husband who calls me “Babe” and the best kiddo in the world who calls me “Mom”. For that, I am thankful.