A Letter To My High School Crush

Dear Mike*,

I know you probably think it is really weird that I am writing to you since we haven’t talked in a long time. But you have been on my mind lately. It’s hard to believe that its been 7 years since were in high school together. It seems like only yesterday I was watching you lead the marching band on the football field and sing at the school talent show. I always admired your strong will, courage and of course musical talent, which you probably already knew. However, you may not have known how long it took me to figure out that I liked you and how I came to realize it

A few days after Katey introduced me to you at a football game, I found myself thinking about you all the time. Every time I heard the band practicing outside during my science class, all I could see was you leading the band and for some strange reason thinking of you made me feel happy. Since I had never had a crush on anyone before, I had no idea why I was thinking of you so much, so I just ignored my thoughts for the next few months. It wasn’t until January that I discovered the reason behind them.

It was the night of the Tri-M New Members Recital and I anxiously got up on stage to perform my solo. As I was being introduced, I caught a glimpse of everyone in the audience staring at me and the first person I noticed was you. At that very moment our eyes met, everything fell into place. I suddenly realized I actually had crush on you. I couldn’t believe it!

I was excited, shocked and even scared. I had never liked a guy before and didn’t know how to deal with a crush. I didn’t know if I should tell you I liked you and how I would feel if you didn’t like me back. These thoughts raced through my head as I nervously sang my solo and ran off the stage afterwards. I couldn’t wait to tell Katey my big news after the recital.

During the first few months of liking you, I was pretty clueless! Since I had never liked a guy before, I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know if I should try to talk to you or not and what I would say. I didn’t want to say the wrong thing and embarrass myself or even worse, make you not like me. So I pretty much kept to myself and tried to hide whenever I saw you. That was probably not the best thing to do and it probably made it seem like I was avoiding you. But I was only 17 and definitely didn’t know any better.

Then I got your phone number. My friends gave it to me one night because I had a rough day and they thought texting you might make me feel better. I didn’t even want to text you at first because I was worried about saying the wrong things and turning you away from me. But my friends talked me into it, so I texted you. I was really surprised when you texted me back the first time. I was not expecting you to act so kind towards me but I was thrilled since I did have a crush on you.

Over the next few months, I continued to text you a few times a week. I was always really excited to tell you about my new accomplishments such as singing in recitals because I knew you would always be really happy for me. Texting you became addicting after a couple months and I began doing it almost every night. Looking back on it, having a crush on you was definitely part of the reason I texted you. But it’s very possible I was also doing it because I was lonely. All of my friends had boyfriends except me and I always felt left out. I couldn’t talk to them or see them as much as I used to because they were always with their boyfriends. So I spent a lot of time alone. I probably texted you out of loneliness and boredom. I know the texting got to be too much after a while and I apologize for that.

Then at the end of my senior year, I found out you were gay. Katey randomly told me one night. I don’t exactly remember how it came up in our conversation. But I’m going to be completely honest with you, I wasn’t that surprised. Throughout the time I had a crush on you, I noticed a few signs that you might be gay such as being friends with more girls and coming off as slightly feminine. However I ignored these things as anyone with a crush would have done and just continued to fantasize about you. Despite the fact I knew you were gay, I continued to text you during my early college years. Looking back on it, I definitely needed to move on after graduating high school and stop texting you. But I didn’t and that probably drove you nuts.

I apologize for bothering you as much as I did. I never meant to cause you any trouble, Mike*. I just didn’t know how to respond to my first crush. I should have backed off after high school and left you alone. I’m sorry for all my wrong doing and deserve any bad thoughts you have towards me.

On the other hand, I also want to thank you for always being so kind to me. Despite the fact that I texted you so much, you were always so nice to me and so happy when something exciting happened to me. Thank you so much for all your really nice compliments, encouragement and support. It means so much to me. I sincerely wish you the best in everything you are going to do with your life. I miss you but I know you are living a wonderful life in California and I couldn’t be happier for you.

All the best,

Colleen

*Name has been changed for privacy reasons

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