When you are constantly told that you are the greatest you start to think of great things, you begin to plan a great life and you therefore begin to put a great amount of passion into everything you do. The passion that I have put in doing nothing but great and extraordinary things is the same passion that has allowed me to manifest great dreams into an amazing reality. There is however a point in my life that greatness was no longer the driving force in my life; mediocrity and complacency began to take overtake me and in a blink of an eye I became normal.
Yesterday, October 9th, was my 23rd birthday. For most 23 is not a milestone in their lives, yet I proclaimed 23 to be the best chapter of my life that I will ever write. In preparation for the best year of my life I tried my best to get everything in order for my new journey, this was the worst decision I ever made. For some reason of have been conditioned to think that having everything in order correlates to stability, I was sadly mistaken. Instead of getting myself “stable” like I thought that I should be, I actually caused a month long quarter-life crisis(yes it is a real thing) that no one seemed to understand or care about. No one tried to comfort me, no one tried to ease my pain and most importantly no one tried to understand; instead I was judged, neglected and forced to stand on my own by the same people whose problems I always put on my shoulders (just for clarity I have never openly told anyone about what exactly I was going through nor did I expect sympathy but I did expect just a little compassion or acknowledgement from those that claimed they would always be there for me). So I cried, and cried, and cried some more until one day my mother told me “it is ok to cry, but when you are done crying you have to be able to not only know what you are crying for but you have to make a plan to change it.” So I took her advice and took a long hard look at the past year of my life.
Twenty-two for me was nothing but one shinning moment(Graduating) followed by a series of unfortunate events to say the least. At some point at 22 I became submissive, but not to a man like most people think; I had become submissive to society, which included friends, jobs and life. I allowed myself to fully live for others, I lost my voice and my confidence and allowed myself to be disrespected by everyone around me and most importantly myself. I became very bitter, angry and for the most part miserable. As I looked around at the people I allowed to remain in my life, I realized I could stand to loose a few so I did what I always did. I took a step back from everyone and decided to focus on me, an pattern that personally gives me a great amount of peace yet socially gains me a lot of backlash. What people do not understand is I am not a spiteful nor selfish person and naturally I loose myself when trying to cater to the needs of others, so the only way for me to find myself is to loose everyone else.
Over the years I have always stepped back for a couple of months and just been alone doing the things that I want to do. For doing this I have been considered some timing and wish washy by more “friends” than I can remember. What these friends never saw was the great amount of time and energy I put into doing things that they wanted to do and into their issues with little to no reciprocation. To say the least I have lost a lot of friends trying to live my truth, but the few that have remained understood the importance of that for me. People are drawn to my free spirit and spontaneity, yet once they get close to me the try to tame me and make me think and act in the same way as them, and I go along with this for months until I remember that I’M DIFFERENT.
Being different has always been my thing, I am still trying to figure out at what point in my life I began to aspire to be normal but whenever it was if I could go back in time now to snap myself out of it I would. I was blessed with an amazingly awful curse, THE IT FACTOR, thus anything and everything that I tried to do I would excel in with little to no effort. The average person would kill for such a gift, it is one thing to say that you are great but another to actually be great. Being great comes with a large amount of pressure, all eyes are constantly on you and any flaws will be magnified so you must always strive for perfection; But wait, I am far from perfect. This constant plight for perfection is the sole cause of complacency, so I spent my entire life limiting my own greatness in order to sit on the pedestal that everyone had me on. In doing this I was the sole cause of my own frustrations.
I promised myself that 23 would be the year of truth, that I would follow every vision that God has granted me and that I would run head first towards my dreams until I see each of them manifest. I promised myself a year of peace, happiness and tranquility. Most importantly I promised myself no more hiding or biting my tongue. This year is written to be the best year of MY LIFE and I plan to live it however I see fit! There is so much more to life then what I have focused my energy on. There is so much to see, so much to do and so many different things to eat. I have limited myself to such a normal life that I forgot that life is what you make it. This is not me criticizing anyone else lifestyle or me telling someone else that they are not as great as me. This is me saying to the world loud and proud who I am! I welcome all to participate in my journey with closed mouths and full support, you will be in for a wild ride!
Until next time,
Un-apologetically Collin Suzie