Adult At School: Chapter 1:
My First Day at Iron Yard and My first Friend
I am 26 years old and I signed up to go back to school. My first day back to school was terrifying. How did I make it to this age with zero friends? Probably because I emote the cynicism of a 60 year old, bitter gay Queen; also probably because I interject uncouth, hypothetical, fantasies.
This year would be different: I had a plan. Instead of pointing out how dumb people are (which they are) I was going to smile and nod. How could anything go wrong…
The morning of my first day, I woke up an extra ten minutes early. Getting ready in my bedroom, I combed my hair and sang Dashboard Confessional’s cover of Justin Bieber's love yourself, acapella. [that is just me singing justin bieber's song…still acapella though] BUT I couldn’t decide what to wear! If I wore a dress people would think I was a girl or something, and if I wore a trump shirt; worse :/.
Suddenly, a Spider ran across my foot.
“Heh-heh not today spider. I’ve got schooooool…!” I sang to myself. Quickly, I grabbed a white, ribbed tank-top and ran out of the room. I had to get to school.
On my way to school, I stopped at a local coffee stand. Its a local hole in the wall, run by a 5 year old with the attitude of a 56 year old brooklyn deli waitress.
“Whata yous having today?” the shop-keep spat.
“Heh. Bella, I’ve been coming to your shop for years now, you know my order.” I giggled.
“I know, I know just busting your balls.” she said, as she poured from the only carafe. “Don’t you start your new computer thingy today?” [remember she’s 5]
“Yea, Bella I am!” I exclaimed, excited that anyone noticed me.
“Well you best get going. If you’re late, it’ll give ’em more reason to think you’re a schmuck. Then you’ll never get any friends.”
“Yea…………ohh Bella” I sighed, fully absorbing the comment.
“Then go! And don’t forget to tip, you fucking schmuck. Whats 20% of 50cents? Do the math you god damned fuck.” [remember she’s 5]
As I turned to leave, I felt a tickle from under my shirt; it was the spider form earlier that morning. “What are you doing here? You can’t come to school with me-
The spider, confused, peered up at me. He knew that he was my only friend in the entire world. What he didn’t know is that sometimes I was embarrassed of him. Its not that he wasn’t a good friend, it that this year I was going to be so popular…and…well…Gilbert Gottfried (thats my bestfriend, the Spider’s name.)... Gilbert has been known to be quite inappropriately aggressive-
Gilbert Gottfried, interrupting my daze, “I don’t think we’re going to make it past a single day. But it won’t be my fault. No one will even know I’m here”.
Quickly putting the Spider on my shoulder, “Ok fine, just make sure you’re a shut up. And don’t embarrass me!” [Sometimes I do an Italian accent, I hear that friends like accents and I’m trying to get some friends]
From behind, Bella called out, “Get going you no-friend having, garbage fack.” [remember she’s 5]
I walked to school.
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The school was so busy. At least 20 other adults in my class. I hope they like me. As I walked in I could tell people were mistaking my white-ribbed shirt for a wife beater. I’m only 26, I shouldnt have a wife already. And Ive never had one but I dont think I should control her with regular drunken beatings. Thats just not what I think. Standing at the front, I couldnt quite tell if I had said all of that aloud, but I did know everyone was staring at me.
A large, jovial and sweating man walked over. It wasnt just a couple of drops on his head, but his shirt was soaked. I could tell this was Mr. Rassmussin. I did my research and this was my teacher.
Gilbert Gottfried, “Holy shit does the teacher have big knockers”
Gilbert is an aggressive gay spider.