Transition

I’ve never been able to buy into people. I’m always teetering on the fence, between emotion and rationale. I’m so late in the game now that everything feels like a potentially embarrassing moment, but I also accept that if I lost every thought in my mind suddenly, inexplicably, that everything would be alright. Does my consciousness need to be blown away?

I’ve chosen to write this little piece today to, again, put some words down on the page, and just “be real” for a second. Everyday, there is a moment a lengthy period of time in which I’m not sure I even belong on this planet. Everyday, it feels like I’m missing the mark on something. I show up to work, do my job, and eventually get a paycheck, then I retreat home where I spend most of my time alone. I spend most of my time alone period. I don’t get how there is supposed to be more to this life. I mean, in theory, there’s all kinds of stuff to be added, to be explored, to be revived, between people being in my life and activities I’ve lost touch with. But, on a daily basis, I feel like I’ve lost all touch with the reality that others must experience.

Where do I get the fuel? Where do I get the emotional drive? How much of a mistake can I make? How many mistakes can I make? Are you or anyone else going to try to embarrass me if I actually speak what’s on my mind in any given moment (which may sound completely insane)? Are you willing to accept me as the oddly naive twentysomething I am? Are you going to help me? I don’t know. I don’t know how to trust you, or really anyone for that matter. I don’t even know how to start having the discussion.

Here this is, whatever it is. Ask questions.