I slept poorly last night, so, unfortunately, this is coming late and it’s also bad. Yesterday, we saw some great commercials coming through the hallowed halls of Medium.com.
There was a dog whose cancer went into remission, C3P0 and R2D2 bought a Roomba for dubious reasons, and I came up with a very smart term for a specific breed of commercial.
However, there can only be one COMMERCIAL IDOL. That’s actually a good idea. Maybe I’ll do a competition next year. We’ll have to see. But, anyway, here is part 2 of the BIG GAME COMMERCIAL REVIEW EXTRAVAGANZA.
Pop-Tarts Fixed The Pretzel: Pop-Tarts
Most of these reviews are negative. I don’t like a lot of the commercials, and most of the time, I think that this is more just space for me to vent about how shitty a product, person, or business is.
If you were wondering if there are any commercials that I actually do like, well, this is one of them. The commercial itself is pretty straight forward. It’s sort of a jazzed-up version of a pretty tried and true advertising format that I think should be brought back into the public consciousness. The “Are You Tired Of XXX” commercial.
It’s simple, straight to the point, lays out a problem, and oh, guess what? The product’s the friggen solution. Even if this particular commercial is a parody of that form, I still think it achieves the same result.
This one has Jonathan Van-Ness, who I’m sort of lukewarm on, even though I get people are fans of his. But, whether or not I like him won’t be added into the final score, because this is how you should use a spokesman. He’s there, he’s doing his thing, and he’s not super-intrusive and smug like a certain car insurance Gecko.
Final Score 8/10
United Towns: Walmart
Walmart is clearly feeling Jeff Bezos’s hot breath on the nape of its neck. They had two Super Bowl commercials. Both of the commercials used different tacts. Both commercials sucked freakin’ so hard.
This commercial is the equivalent of corn slurry. It was boring. It was bordering on being a Rug Commercial (if you don’t know what that is read Part 1). And it also came off as desperate. Really, you need two commercials? You’re Walmart. You actually don’t need any commercials. I really should talk to a scientist or something because I really don’t think commercials work, and I want a scientist to confirm that theory. Are there advertising scientists? There probably are right? They all live in dumbo and drink cold brew out of beakers.
Final Score: 1/10
Pie Eating Contest: Hint Water
I actually like this product. It’s water that’s not flavored but smells so strongly of a fruit that it tricks you into thinking that you’re tasting something. When I used to work at the administrative assistant Craigslist job I would grab one of these in the morning right after my daily round of contemplating whether or not I should jump in front of a bus so I could try to sue the city instead of going to work.
It’s good water. You should try it. They should pay me for telling you to do that. Also, I was looking back at the old commercial reviews, and one of these fucking articles got 1,000 plus views so I’m earning my money I guess. This might come off as me bragging, but it’s actually just really fucking weird. These reviews suck and, like so much of my life, are half-assed. I don’t know why anyone reads them. But try the water.
Anyway, this commercial is fine. It suffers from the sketch comedy osmosis that a lot of commercials have now. Sketch comedy osmosis is when a couple of copywriters take a sketch writing class, then they’re like, “we can use comedy tools to sell people water!” Or, some art director was a huge Tim and Eric fan and that influence then comes through heavy in every subsequent Old Spice commercial they pitch. This is that type of commercial. I like the product though.
Final Score: 5/10
Password Paradise: Dashlane
This is, I think, the second-best commercial of the big game. It’s for this company Dashlane, which is a thing that you can use to store all of your passwords on that is definitely not going to be hacked in an Ashley Madisonesque scandal. I forget my passwords all the time, but you will never catch me buying a thing to help me with that problem.
Also, what the hell is this thing now that all these websites are doing where they make me have my password a certain way? I forget my passwords because they need capital letters and a funny character and all these requirements (actually just 2 maybe 3 requirements). Why not just let me make my password what I want to make it, and if I get hacked I get hacked?
This commercial is good though because it doesn’t really explain the product, which I know that I’ve been bitching about throughout this entire process, but here’s the thing, it made me go to their website. Don Draper would choke the life out of Pete for that type of engagement. It might be that I’m a dog-brained loser, but I went to the website after this commercial aired. I exited right out of it because I will never need to use it (smash cut to six months from now when I’m a loyal Dashboi) but the commercial did its job.
Final Score: 9/10
Michael Bloomberg/Donald Trump
I know what you’re thinking. Commercial reviews should not be politicized. But everything is now. However, I’m not going to post these videos. Both of these commercials used really terrible news stories to try and get people on board to support their terrible candidates.
Two candidates who, in my estimation, are the two cattiest Upper East Side biddies ever. Look at this screenshot from some article I read:
This quote reads like two old women kvetching about one another. It’s like the bitchiest little Page Six thing I’ve ever seen. “He’s fat and that’s not even a real tan!” Bloomberg said, through giggles.
I’m not going to dignify either of these strange, space alien men with a proper link. Also, I’m tired and don’t want to do it.
Final Score: 0/10
Jimmy Works It Out: Michelob Ultra
I think this commercial is funny. Not because glorified content creator Jimmy Fallon is funny, but because he’s reportedly a drunk so him doing a beer commercial is funny. It’s especially funny when he throws a kettlebell through a plate glass window, nearly killing a couple, all because he is smashed on Michelob. I know in-universe that he’s probably not actually drunk, but it’s better if you think that while watching.
John Cena is there and is trying to get Jimmy on the right path in terms of fitness. At first, Jimmy doesn’t like working out, but then John makes it fun by running Jimmy through a ringer of workouts with some celebrities showing up. I don’t know any of the celebrities' names except for the roots, but I think they’re celebs.
Jimmy Fallon is whatever to me. I think late-night comedy is content and not art. I think that Jimmy Fallon is a blessed little Irish boy who lucked out. I think John Cena is incredibly jacked and juiced up. I think this commercial is unimpressive.
Final Score: 4/10
Skull Shaver: Skull Shaver
This is truly the pinnacle of Super Bowl advertisements. It is a marvel of modern-day advertising. It is an infomercial style commercial for a tool that bald guys can use to shave their heads.
I love this commercial so much. The average amount spent on a 30-second commercial during the 2019 Superbowl was $4.51 million dollars. I got that data from a website called MarketingCharts.com, which is pretty chill. The price of a commercial probably went up this year, and I remember a graphic early on in the game that said it’s $5 million for a spot this year. My crack team over at MarketingCharts.com did not have that data on hand.
The fact that this electric razor company spent upwards of $5,000,000 on this type of commercial is mind-blowing and actually a perfect example of what I think all commercials should be.
There are no absurd little scenes, no emotional short film diatribes, it’s a simple straight forward commercial. I salute the good people over at Skull Shaver for making this commercial. It’s no-frills and therein lies the beauty. If I ever go bald, you can count on me buying a Skull Shaver Platinum.
Final Score 10/10
There you have it. Skull Shaver wins this year’s Superbowl. Congratulations to them. I hope they enjoy. Thank you for reading. I may do more of these, but probably not.