A Rainy Saturday

As I sit here with my feet against the wall listening to the sound of the rain and wind descend it is difficult to not reflect on life in some way. The wind looks stronger than it sounds with it swaying the trees powerfully back and forth. It even causes my slightly ajar balcony door to sway gently. I concentrate on the drops of water hitting my balcony and not on the traffic that is masked by the buildings that surrounds mine.

The fury of the wind on the trees must be much stronger when your feet are actually touching the earth compared to me being 4 stories closer to God. Maybe that’s why its seems calmer up here: because I am closer to the universe and heavens.

Perhaps that’s why people have religion: to feel the calm of Gods presence that floats among the clouds and stars. The chaotic ground is too close to Satan fr them I guess.

This weather reflects my mood all too well. The dripping sorrows of sky tears and the violent breath of an angry atmosphere reflect my inner confusions and frustrations. My thoughts dance in and out, like a great Act of a ballet. Sometimes the music is soft, barely audible and the ballerina glides across the stage in elegant refinement. At other times the music is bombastic and a cavalier jumps with great power. Like a ballet, my thoughts either glide elegantly from one to the other or jump sporadically around.

This weather is relaxing, but I find it hard to relax with so much going on in my life. But I can’t help but think that something is missing. Maybe all of the things that I do re just trying to fill this gaping hole in me that I cant identify what should fill it. Its like I am trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. Something is missing, or lost, or rejected as not being what I need.

I know I am lonely. Even when I m in the company of people I know I feel it. I just have the feeling that they don’t understand me fully. I don’t think I understand myself fully either. I need to find that person who can just look at me and her me but understand that I m not just a shell of person but I am the mysterious whole of a human being. If only I knew where to find this person, I would go there right not in this rain and wind and make the mine.