The Story of My First Relationship

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Refreshing, that’s how I always see romance. My point of view of pure romance is always a mixture of bliss and grimness as it makes or breaks you. Pure romance affects your whole being and not just about the irregular thumping of the heart. It must be of clean intentions and thoroughgoing. However, I think of it from these perspectives, it would always come to me that I once had lost this sight of romance .My first romance wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad at all. I wouldn’t even consider it a romance to justify it. It was traumatic, to be fair.

I never fell in love with my first relationship. Yeah, I had great times with him, but it felt so wrong. So, that escalates that first love isn’t the first relationship you’ve had because this is true to me. The experience was more likely a spur of the moment, a reckless decision that should be long forgotten. I rue it, seriously. It’s not because I was with the wrong guy, but because of the awry situation. I was a stupid girl with a cold heart.

We were juniors when he asked me to date him. I was baffled when he dropped the question. I felt like my tongue had slipped out of my mouth, I couldn’t speak. I felt myself blushed right at that very moment and train of thoughts were running in and out of my mind. But with the noise, and cheers he gained from our friends, I felt like I shouldn’t let him down. I shouldn’t let him down because he’s too fragile to be hurt. Then, I gave him my nonchalant “yes”. We started dating and he was very sweet. He gave me a stem of rose on our first month together and he never failed to accompany me on my way home. To some, he’s the perfect guy to be with, but he was different to me.

His “I love you’s” were unrequited because I felt like cheating if I told him that. I never loved him the way he wanted, but as a friend and I was too guilty to admit it. I knew too well that I was breaking him, but he budged it aside. He ignored it because of me. All because he loved me that time and I was being a dishonest person. Then scarred him for the last time when I asked for a break-up the day of our 2nd month. The sadness in his eyes was visible and it was the one last thing about him I couldn’t forget. He was broken enough to even utter a word. I broke him, I really did.

I thought that if I finally let go of him, the emptiness in me would vanish, but it didn’t. Instead, it went on for days and seeing him in school made it worse. It made me terrible that I completely lost myself. It fucking hurts a lot.

For weeks of secretly crying in my room, I came to realized it all wrong. It was wrong the moment I emit the word “yes”. It was wrong to lie on a person who did nothing wrong but to love you. Most certainly, it was wrong to make a decision you thought wouldn’t cause someone unhappiness when in the end you caused the sadness. I was the wrong one.

It was really hard to be someone else’s tragedy. Breaking up with a good person does make you feel bad after all. It ain’t easy to hurt someone, but the scar of losing someone who don’t deserve to be hurt will always be there. Soon, the happiness will overtake your sadness and you’ll be ready enough to flaunt the scar. Thinking it all through, I’m glad it all happened. The experience turned me into someone I loathe the most, a selfish bitch, yet I managed to return to my own self and even better. I learned a lot of great things from my first relationship and that includes honesty to your feelings. You cannot save someone from misery by a slick, impulsive move and give them what they want. All you have to do is to offer what you have and not a single pain of regret would strike you. By not facing the problem would result to an interminable cycle of pain unless you solve the main. I know that I’m not yet fully healed, but I believe that I’ll get over this. The day that I’ll be making a stand to be loved and give love.

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