Maybe I am just crazy… or insane…who knows.
I have been thinking about asking someone for help. But what do I tell them? How can I tell them anything when I have no idea what is wrong with me in the first place? I have no idea why I am feeling this way. I just know something is not okay. I know it is not okay to hate yourself this much, or to feel like sleep is the only place I don’t have to think about anything. I truly do not think I am depressed but I know I do not really want to be here. And I know some days are better than others, but today has just not been the greatest. Most days truly aren’t if I am going to be honest.
I am constantly fighting the urge to just make that tiny cut or to just take all those pills in the medicine cabinet. But I am mostly just talk no action. I won’t make that tiny cut because then I will just hate my body even more. I won’t take those pills because I am hoping some day I will feel like I belong.
I feel like this is why I feel this way, is because I feel like I truly do not belong. I have this constant feeling that no one truly understands or even wants to get to know me. I just want to scream. I want someone to understand me. I want someone to want to understand me.
All of today I have been putting a smile on my face but what they all dont know how hard it truly is to do that. They dont realize how much energy it takes to put that “smile” on my face. All of today my chest has felt as if there has been a thousands of bricks just laying on my chest and a 200 pound man is just sitting on top of the pile of bricks just eating a chocolate cake.
I do not feel okay.. I need to ask for help. I just do n0t know where to get it. Or how to explain what is going on in my head. They will probably just call me crazy… or insane… who knows.