Sean Spicer: “There Is Zero Evidence I Am Hundreds Of Spiders Inside A Human Suit”

White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer strode quickly to the podium in the briefing room of the West Wing yesterday afternoon before turning to the crowd of reporters gathered in front of him and delivering a virtually breathless diatribe in which he passionately insisted he is not hundreds of spiders scurrying around the insides of a suit designed to resemble a human being.

Spicer, who failed to provide any concrete explanation or context for this frantic disavowal, vehemently and repeatedly denied that there was any remote possibility that he was not actually a man, but instead a well-trained and highly coordinated team of arachnids tasked with maintaining a convincing humanoid facade.

Spicer proclaimed: “There is no one in this room who can definitively prove that there are dozens upon dozens of eight-legged creatures currently scurrying around inside my body, frantically pulling levers and turning knobs to ensure there are no cracks in the perfectly crafted veneer such an operation would require. No one.”

About halfway through the denunciation, a silky thread appeared to slowly descend from Spicer’s left nostril, just as he began to implore all who would listen to avoid becoming entangled in a “web of lies” he claims has been constructed by a group of unidentified enemies. He quickly clarified the web he was referring to was merely a metaphor, and certainly not something he was capable of producing himself, because he is “most definitely not a conscious hive of spiders masquerading as a man. Period.”

After concluding his statement, Spicer calmly closing the leather portfolio hnd scuttling across the floor on all fours toward the door from which he’d entered without taking questions from the press.