The Purpose of Having Romantic Relationships

Connie Yang
Aug 26, 2017 · 5 min read

A few days ago a few female friends of mine and I had a discussion about romantic relationships. The main question was, “What is the purpose of having them?”

I’ve been learning so much about romantic love and relationships lately, especially within the last couple of months. In a way it has become an obsession because I am fascinated by the dynamics of two human beings that can create something new together and bring out the good and bad parts of each other.

I think the biggest takeaways — and purposes — of having a romantic relationship are the following:

  1. You learn so much about yourself beyond words can describe. If you’re vulnerable and intimate with another human being emotionally and sexually, there’s a whole new level of self that you discover just by interacting with this other human being. Most of our walls are down, and the way we interact with our partners are very different compared to how you’d interact with your friends or colleagues. Additionally, you wouldn’t know how you would act in a particular scenario if you were always just by yourself. Every relationship has its challenges, and the more you learn how to deal with those challenges, the stronger and better person you become. You learn about yourself in order to improve yourself. In general, we as human beings are social creatures because we can constantly better ourselves through the lessons learned from our romantic relationships.
    I recently realized that even though I consider myself empathetic, I also have a problem being oblivious to other peoples’ needs. I kept seeing other people as the roles they play in my life rather than seeing them as a whole person. I think that even though I consider myself a fairly selfless person, I am also very selfish when I only focus on my needs and not the other person’s. I can become anxious and controlling if things don’t go my way, but I need to just let things be and accept the way things are. I think this comes from me subconsciously believing that relationships should last forever, but nothing does. I think this has destroyed my relationships in the past, and I am glad that I am aware of it now. I need to be more mindful of other people’s needs.
    I also learned that I have to be my biggest advocate, because no one else will. I know it is natural to be drawn towards people who genuinely advocates for you, but I realized that I depend on people to support me rather than depending on myself. I’ve been working a lot on this and am making progress, but I think that everything is a lifelong learning process.
  2. We want to heal from our old wounds. This idea came from a book I *highly* recommend to anybody who has any type of relationship with any human being, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples by Harville Hendrix. The first part of the book describes why we are attracted to the people we are attracted to, and Hendrix points out that we recreate our old scenarios and environments by being in romantic relationships with those who resemble our caretakers, usually your mother and father. We look for partners that resemble our parents’ characteristics, more so the bad characteristics. We recreate these scenarios so that they can play out differently this time around as adults. For example, it is much more fulfilling to receive emotional availability from someone who is usually emotionally unavailable, or to receive compliments from someone who is usually very critical of you.
    There is no right or wrong answer to whether we should choose partners that are not like our parents — it simply depends on your preferences of whether you want to grow and learn from your partner by going through the storm together, or to be in a boring relationship that doesn’t challenge you, but you’re okay with that. I personally would rather choose the more challenging relationship, because I always want to learn to become a better person.
    Aside from spoiling the first part of the book, I see this book as my bible to resolving conflicts. This book has helped me resolve conflicts with friends, and I have yet to try it out in my romantic relationships.
  3. You create something new and magical with your partner. We can create amazing projects on our own, but I think amazing projects can turn into extraordinary project when you create it with a partner. Both you and your partner are different people no matter how many commonalities you share, thus you each have different skills and strengths to offer. I think it’s truly amazing for two human beings (or more, but we’re talking about romantic relationships right now) to create something together and potentially change the world.
    This is what I want with my partner. I want to create something magnificent, something extraordinary to really impact the world.Personally, I want a partner who understands how important it is for people to heal and tell their stories — and see that doing these things are strongly connected to ending cyclical, generational violence, abuse, and trauma, as well as suicide, depression, and other mental illnesses that might have triggered those who have been deeply hurt. I want to start my own storytelling workshop and project so that I can fulfill my goals — and hopefully his, too. I also want to immerse myself in his goals as we share the same vision of what the world should be like. It’s truly powerful and difficult to ignore when you know you share your deepest values with someone else and thus, both of you are dedicated to change the world the way you want it.

I think this list will vary depending on each person’s needs, preferences, the types of romantic relationships they wish to have, and many more. But to me, these are my main three reasons for having a romantic relationship. It is possible that I will be adding more to this list as I think of more.

Stay tuned for more. :)

)

Explorer of the human condition. Writer. Storyteller. MA Clinical Psychology Student at Antioch University Los Angeles

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