Machismo Is Girly AF
We assign gender to things without regard to their genitalia, or lack thereof, every day - cars, animals, hurricanes, gadgets, presidents. It is not at all a new phenomenon that gender be used to represent concepts not seen only in our sexy bits. The yin and yang, astrology, the tarot, the latin languages, etc. all recognize two genders outside just the representative shapes of human bodies. They instead find also an abstract flexibility of personality traits that exist outside the realm of who or what embodies them.
Yet we hold ourselves as human beings to a double standard of fixed gender that the 'nonliving' get to avoid - outside of ourselves, gender might not just be believed but allowed, to change over time. A river, for example, when calm and still, has long represented strong feminine qualities: subtle, passive, receptive, nurturing. But as soon as rains come and the river becomes white water, then its masculine qualities have been revealed: fast, undulating, destructive, penetrating.
We could argue that human genitalia may serve as fairly literal parallels for or translations of these qualities, penises being penetrative and vaginas receptive. It could perhaps even be true that there are in fact correlations between genitalia and personality that exist even outside of those socially constructed. But even if these correlations do in fact exist, we need only take a closer look at the individual realities of those around us to remember that not all bodies, if any, fit perfectly into these generalizations.
We can acknowledge that it may not be so difficult to see the roots of our stereotypes, and perhaps even empathize with ourselves as a culture for having entrenched ourselves in damaging overgeneralizations. To continue our attachments, however, to the literal sources of these paradigms is to perpetuate violence upon those whose violations of our expectations frighten us. It prevents us from seeing the fluidity of gender as we would in the river, much like a mythology whose lessons are no longer understood simply because the imagery conveying them is anachronistic.
When gender is not allowed fluidity we suppress our ability to connect with and represent the different traits of each within ourselves as suits our situation, or to recognize that it is still overly simplistic to deem any specific quality as having sourced from only one side of the gender spectrum in the first place. Fluidity itself, for example, would traditionally be considered a feminine trait: watery, soft, flexible, adaptable. But our ability to be fluid, in the context of modern culture especially, requires a faith in our personal right to change as we please and not need to hold ourselves at the mercy of those who expect us to be a certain way. And that kind of unapologetic and inflexible self trust, the kind that carves space for itself and its own needs before anyone else’s, is what would most often be labelled a masculine trait. So many times in my life I’ve become stagnant rotting water trying too hard to remain a feminine calm, not believing I had the right to be angry and tumultuous as a femme. So ironically, I denied my own feminine fluidity trying so hard to be feminine.
Similarly, we might consider the process of upholding what is considered respectable masculinity: stubborn territorialism and inflexibility, a lack of emotional expression, loud strength and the drive to penetrate and conquer. We know that, at least sometimes, to convey masculinity is a conscious choice, an act or show with which to prove one’s worthiness of respect or attraction. Yet this inclination to alter ourselves for acceptance, to be receptive to and nurture the gender expectations demanded of us as children, and the ability to adapt ourselves to fit into societal molds shaped by other people - are traditionally blatantly feminine qualities.
So it stands that, to uphold social imagery of masculinity to these extremes, is in fact an extremely feminine thing to do. It lacks the unapologetic and disruptive qualities of pushing back against our environment and questioning its right to tell us what to do. But this is not to say this kind of flexible 'softness' is in any way an inherently bad thing. It marks our ability to not senselessly attack others when we disagree with them. It allows us friendship, empathy, and subsequently stronger relationships within our communities; and these relationships, ironically, earn us the respect and trust necessary to make us leaders and social symbols of strength.
I myself am prone to cravings for labels and categories, especially for my own identity. It is disconcerting to feel like you don’t know who you are, where you fit, or even how to introduce yourself; and labels, however overly simplistic, are an alluring place to find comfort in, even if temporarily. They are shelters under which we can hide to feel safe in our own bodies, in control of who we are and who we’ll be. They help us write our own obituary before we’ve even died, so we can revel in the comfort of feeling we know how we’ll be remembered. But the names stay the same even while we keep changing, whether we want to or not, and eventually the titles don’t seem to fit anymore. What was once masculine is now feminine, the words that were once an insult may now be a source of pride, and the organized structures that once helped us understand our world no longer make sense. But never before now have we had such a strong and global conversation about the frustrations of a restricting and rigid gender binary, which makes us ripe for a time of letting go, letting the ice blocks melt, and splashing in the puddled mess left behind. In order to do this, we have also to let go of our need to 'know' ourselves and where we fit.
Language that could be merely a helpful tool with which to express ourselves has become instead a tool to erase the nuances of our experience so as to make us permanent and therefore predictable and safe. We have every right to claim our identity, to be acknowledged for who we are, and be loud about what that means to us. But we might also take care to prevent the concept of identity from being not just the expression of our experience but that which we frame our experience within and therefore oppress even ourselves with, whether conscious or not.
