I want myself to fail — it’s easier
Jon Westenberg 🌈

Curse you Jon! Get out of my head!

I want to share a Facebook update I shared last week.

“ When my snark comes out, it’s because I’ve had a hard week.
There are so many moments I find my heart breaking for the pain my family has been through, and grieving for what we could have been.
There are moments when I just can’t comprehend the horrifying things people say and do to each other. The weight of the whole world presses into me.
The stresses of money and my anger at internet memes are only symptoms. My over eating is a symptom. My Facebook addiction is a symptom. 
The disease is the disappointment I feel in myself for not saving my mother or my siblings from their suffering, followed by my shame for feeling that way, knowing full well it was beyond my control and not my responsibility. I can’t seem to lift the burden, which just adds to my failure. 
I think that I am stuck in between this seize the day mindset, because life is so precious, then I get smacked by the voice that says I will fail no matter what I do. I couldn’t save my mom, I couldn’t take care of her children, I couldn’t stay in the Navy or fix my broken marriage, I couldn’t keep my dream job that I loved the most. 
I know that I’ll do better, but this grief is so powerful. It just sucks sometimes to be trapped in my head. 
I’m still so grateful for what I have and everything I’ve worked for. I am grateful for my good job and my family and my partner in life. Some days though, the darkness wins.”

I think you are right, there are just some things that are a part of you. We don’t have to get rid of all of our flaws. It’s not only exhausting to try, but our flaws are what makes us human.

Thank you for your writing, I’ve been enjoying your articles a lot.

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