How Do You Define Relationship Success?
I used to think that being and staying married was the measure of a successful romantic relationship. However, a couple can be together for decades and basically be roommates, or barely able to stand each other’s company, or living double-lives. Of course, relationship longevity may be important to some people because children are involved (I will discuss this in a future post) or because they have made a commitment to marriage that is governed by their religious beliefs. I respect other people’s values. I also am committed to building something long-lasting with my partner (hopefully, lifelong). But let’s be honest. Few people will actually feel in their body that their relationship is successful solely because it has lasted a long time. Most people want more from and for their relationship than longevity alone.
I no longer focus on labeling my current or past relationships as successful or unsuccessful. I’ve learned so much from my past “failed” relationships. In fact, trying to understand why they didn’t work, particularly my contribution to the problems we experienced, is what put me on the journey to becoming a relationship coach. It is also what helped me to heal and grow to a point where I was able to be and choose a healthy partner and to co-create a great relationship.
Rather than “success”, I think about the quality of my relationship. The quality of my relationship changes from day to day, as well as over time. Despite some very tough moments or periods, I consider my relationship’s overall quality to be extremely high. However, when one of us feels a dip in the quality of one or more important characteristics, especially if it continues to move in that direction, we know we need to talk about it.
The characteristics that define a high-quality relationship will vary from person to person but psychologists have found that several are important to most people.
For example, Anderson and colleagues (2021) developed a Couple Relationship Scale. The couples in the study rated their relationship on a scale of 1–10 (1 being worst and 10 being best) for ten different characteristics: emotional intimacy, physical intimacy, commitment, trust, safety, cohesion, acceptance, conflict, overall happiness, and personal well-being (the scale was actually 1–100% but I modified the results to a scale of 1–10 for the sake of simplicity). Distressed couples (e.g., needing relationship therapy) rated their relationship below about 7 on a scale of 10, on average across the characteristics. However, the cut-off values for distressed and non-distressed couples varied by relationship characteristic. Safety, trust, and commitment were the three characteristics about which couples most needed to feel good (e.g., distressed couples reported below about a 9 out of 10 in the safety dimension), suggesting that these are key areas to focus on first in your relationship.
Interestingly, of the ten relationship characteristics looked at by Anderson and colleagues (2021), conflict was at the bottom of the list, in terms of how well distressed vs. non-distressed couples reported doing in this area (a cutoff of about 6 out 10 for distressed vs. non-distressed couples) . Perhaps this is because conflict is normal for all couples. Whereas, feeling safe during conflict (including emotionally), knowing that your relationship will not be on the rocks every time you have a fight, and having the ability to repair well after conflict are widely known to be crucial elements of a high-quality relationship. In a different study, Xu and colleagues (2022) found that the ability to emotionally regulate, control impulses, and be emotionally aware, were predictive of relationship satisfaction. And it was important that both partners were capable of emotional regulation. For example, female partners’ feeling of relationship satisfaction was associated in part with their ability to regulate their own emotions. I would argue, however, that it is not only important to regulate your own emotional states but also to learn how to co-regulate. A couple is likely to do much better when the partners can at least sometimes reach out during conflict and help their partner to feel safe and understood.
Fowers and colleagues (2016) evaluated the qualities that contribute to a flourishing relationship. I think we all hope to have a relationship that is flourishing and not just barely above feeling distressed. The scale included things that contribute to a sense of meaning in the relationship (e.g., considering what’s good for the relationship when making decisions, both partners working to improve the relationship, doing meaningful activities together), sharing goals (e.g., having more success in our individual goals due to our partner’s help, doing things that keep the relationship strong, showing interest in things that are important to each other), relational giving (e.g., feeling it is worthwhile to share our feelings with each other, celebrating each other’s successes, making time when our partner needs to talk), and personal growth (looking for activities that help us grow as a couple, our partner helps us grow in ways we could not have done on our own, talking with our partner helps us see things in new ways).
When thinking about the quality of your relationship, it is important to not only think of it in the current moment but also to look for trends. For example, if you find yourself feeling decreasingly happy with an important aspect of your relationship, it could be important to work on this issue with your partner and potentially, to seek couples’ coaching or therapy.
What characteristics would you use to define the quality of your relationship or the relationship that you would like to have? How would you rate your relationship for each of those characteristics? Is your satisfaction for any of those important characteristics consistently declining over time? Are you experiencing relationship distress? Have you and your partner tried to work on those issues? Have you sought support from outside your relationship (e.g., friends, family, a therapist/counselor, or coach)?
