Support Network or Suffocation Network?
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When I decided to write this text I wanted to use my own experiences as an example and the experiences of women I love or have loved. And that, in all their courage, they gave up living their conflicting family relationships to live their still unexplored and new relationships with their friends, lovers and colleagues.
I define a support network as people who, as a group, come together voluntarily or involuntarily to have quality time with you and create intimacy.
What happens in this quality time can be watching series together, going for a walk, listening to their complaints, welcoming them (I highlight that the network can offer this to you and vice versa — it’s not fair for it to be a one-way street), spooning, cuddling, talking, saving up coin to make a delicious dinner at the end of the month, dancing, playing (dodgeball, football, miming, cell phone games, chess, checkers), kissing a lot, discussing your relationship, debating politics and everything — the kind of exchange that, while together, we both want to be there.
When your network gets together to celebrate your birthday using a JBL, some brigadeiros and a cake with questionable flavor that a friend made, or when you get together to organize a party where only black women will dance and celebrate, or when you organize yourself in a week to create a leaflet talking about domestic violence in midtown, or when you know that a friend is sick and you all organize to prepare tea, buy medicine and accompany her to the doctor, or when you have an absurd anxiety attack for a reason that you are very embarrassed to talk about, and you call someone in your network and that person comes to hug you while you tremble in your bed and don’t understand where that shortness of breath is coming from — these are some examples of how your support network becomes a group of people who give you emotional support, but also of people who celebrate day-to-day happiness with you.
A support network that empowers you makes itself effective when it comes to showing you where you are going wrong, without punishment, and helps you build self-esteem by valuing you in all the complexity that you are. This is a support network.
A suffocation network can be that group of friends, that single friend or that girlfriend who constantly makes you feel insecure, anxious, sad, stuck, stupid or incompetent.
Do you know when you share an incredible idea and, instead of your friend trying to contribute to improving your idea, or trying to continue the subject to hear you more, she changes the subject so that it becomes about her?
Do you know when you feel anxiety, almost anguish about who you really are or need to be, every time you go to meet that friend(s)?
You know when you try to have a difficult conversation with your friend about something harmful she has done, but she pretends that everyone is wrong except her instead of owning up to the situation?
You know when you try to have a difficult conversation with your friend and, because she is used to other people repeating the same cycle of violence that she perpetuates, she ends up punishing you or distancing herself from you?
You know those people who make mistakes with you and don’t know how to apologize?
You know when you only cause problems for your friends because you constantly put yourself in risky situations and don’t accept criticism?
The suffocation network is composed of people who, even though they see you make mistakes and falter, do not criticize you and even support the mistakes you make towards yourself and other people. When it is impossible to give constructive criticism and have difficult conversations, they prevent the construction of autonomy that you could develop, and involve you in the same problems that these people perpetuate. Be it violence, lies, addictions and/or emotional blackmail.
The suffocation network are people who use their emotional, social and financial resources for their own interest — only a one-way street.
Sometimes you are so desperate for friends or relationships that you end up delving into situations like this and, while in despair, you can’t get out of this cyclical movement of seeking violent relationships.
The support network is made up of people who give you emotional support, provide constructive criticism when you falter, and who help you build self-esteem to be autonomous and functional.
