Abigail Cruz
Aug 9, 2017 · 3 min read

I never thought I would be contemplating suicide.

What’s crazy is I was always the girl who would RIP people apart when they talked about suicide. “You are so stupid”, “Your life isn’t even that bad”, “People got it way worse than you,” For anyone going through that right now, I am so sorry. I was speaking from a place I have never visited until recently. Now you see, I’ve been through a lot in my life. A LOT. Again, we all have different struggles but I carried a large load at a young age. From going to family court and criminal court against my own mother, having custody of my two younger sisters at the tender age of 20, and even seen the barrel of gun staring right at me. But even at those times in my life, I never thought about killing myself! NEVER! And you would think those would be the moments where I am at my all-time low but NO, I remained strong. So this may sound crazy but the thoughts of suicide cross my mind when my career isn’t moving fast enough. Is that selfish? I mean I feel like most people kill themselves to escape. Thinking that leaving “here” would be better for their mind and soul. It is so crazy how your mind controls you, how thoughts just talk to you. My uncle told me “I don’t want to sound weird, but that’s the dev talking to you.” He means the devil. I don’t know if it is. I just know every time I get mad at myself for climbing up the mountain and I’m still not at the peak, I just want a car to come and hit me. Is that suicide though? I know I don’t have the heart to do it myself so I guess the answer is no. But how many of you ever felt that way? Like “This isn’t working! Did I make the right choice? Should I start over? Is this the right move for me?”

Then I think to myself, I am so selfish. How can I want this to happen to me? When I should be grateful to be alive, healthy, and here. I look at where I come from and see everyone I grew up with still in North Philly. They are so happy and have less than me. And the ironic part is, when I was living in the ghetto with WAY less then what I have now, I asked for more! They say be careful what you wish for. I heard that a lot growing up. Now I hear “Everything happens in time” well, time is not moving fast enough! I shouldn’t say that. I mean, I can’t catch a break. I’m like the aspiring singer dropping off demos at every record label and never getting called back. When you know in heart, what you are destined to do. You know what I mean? Like you can bet your life on it. You can bet that this is exactly what you are here to do but how do we get other people to see through our eyes?

Last Sunday, I went to church. This girl next to me, every time we prayed, she cried. She was BEGGING god for help. Seeing her pain, made me cry because I realized someone has it way worst. I’m here complaining about my career and this stranger has real life issues! It made me think, her prayer is in front of mine. Her prayer has a red exclamation point on it. I felt bad, sad, and hurt. I don’t know if she thought about killing herself but she was right there next to me, seeking for help just like me. I think Americans focus too much on status. I say this because the girl crying was speaking Spanish and she wasn’t asking for material things, she wasn’t asking for a better career, or something with value. She was asking God to better others. To put them in the right path. To bring them closer to him.

Basically, I started a medium to write down experiences that I think we all go through but are scared to talk about. I just keep it real and honest. I try to help other people who were in my shoes or have similar situations. Just know, that everything I write, comes from the heart. So, if you have a questions, any answers, or recommendations, drop a line! Thank you!

Abigail Cruz

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You know, I just want to write! “just listen to my tape man”