Talking about depression
I have suffered from depression for a big part of my life. One of my earliest memories of being depressed is when I was 13. I laid in bed and cried from a Thursday through the weekend. I was confused and frustrated for being sad, I just cried and that’s all I felt like doing. I could’t leave my bed to go to school or even eat. My mother was great and understanding, however, she never talked about her own battle with depression until later. Now I understand why. Talking about depression is not easy and most people never do.
Just like most people I have hid my depression for a big part of my life. I bottle it up, cry to myself, pretend it’s not there and then suffer for it later. This past month I found myself in pit of depression I couldn't get myself out of. I felt so overwhelmed with everything in my life that it resulted in me crying for a month straight and no matter what I tried to do, I was still sad.
I felt worthless. I felt ashamed. I felt broken. Even though I was able to perform my daily responsibilities I would get home and feel empty. Typically I am a very positive person but this time no matter what I tried I couldn't see light at the end of the tunnel. I allowed myself to cry, to hurt and to just be depressed. Slowly after being so down I picked myself up, I picked up a book and I read, I woke up earlier and I worked out, I did things for myself that made me smile. Those seconds of happiness got me out of the dark long enough to feel like myself again but I still fear depression.
Today I feel better. About my life and my mental health. I started having more positive thoughts again and writing this post has been helpful in my recovery. Even though I feel like I made it out I still made plans to see professional help. Someone that can help me understand my mental health and hopefully be able to teach me ways to heal.
At 24 years old I realized that talking about depression is okay and that sometimes not being okay is okay. It doesn't mean you’re weak and it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. Life is f**king tough at times and there’s no shame in being vulnerable.
Depression can light some of the brightest fires more likely than it can can sink the strongest ships. You can learn to use it before it uses you. Write about it, talk about, create art through it. And when you can’t heal it on your own don’t be afraid to seek professional help.
“Don’t build a wall around your own suffering or it may devour your from the inside” -Frida Khalo
If you’re interested in hearing more about vulnerability please click the link below.