I’m very comfortable with who I am, I am the kind of person that will do anything for anyone. I’ll drop what I’m doing to help people out. People that know me love me and I love who I am. Loving the package is a life long struggle. I was first called fat arse at six years old. That was the end of innocence.
I’ve had body issues my whole life, I’ve tried the diets, lost the weight, gained back more, it’s only now because of Liver disease and the thought of putting my brother through live donor transplant that I’ve successfully changed my lifestyle. It’s only now that I consider the value of the food that I’m putting in and what it actually does for my body that I’m starting to get comfortable with myself.
The body is an amazing machine, mine has already beaten benign intracranial hypertension and now it’s gotten the better of liver disease. It was time I started giving my body the respect it deserves and I’ve started by putting the proper fuel into it for it to run at premium efficiency. I won’t ever have the perfect body, none of us ever will and I’m making peace with that, I need to be ok with that and it’s getting better every day. With my new lifestyle I will have a healthy body. One that will make growing old a much better experience. There will be excess skin to deal with ( I’ve seen it before) it’s not pretty but I’ll have to accept that too.
When I think about the people I know and love it’s always about who they are, their motivations, the things they’ve accomplished, how they deal with whatever life throws their way, so why do we judge ourselves differently, why are we so cruel to ourselves, if anyone else spoke to us like our own internal voice we would slap them silly.
I was going to a work dinner the other night and after losing nearly 3 stone I wanted to wear a dress, it was going to be the first dress in a long time and my first reaction when I looked in the mirror wasn’t the nice dress and I really did like the dress but that I should wait another while into my healthy lifestyle before wearing it.
It’s difficult to quiet the inner critic, it’s a voice I’ve had to listen to my whole life at least I thought I did. I had to make a conscious decision to no longer listen to the negative thoughts in my head. I wore the dress and I loved wearing that dress, not because I thought it looked good but because it was a victory over negative thoughts.
Being obese can affect your femininity and alters how you view yourself. It can make you feel like a failure when you’re not in control. I did blame my under active thyroid for years, but it was easier to blame an under active thyroid than to accept that I was doing this to myself. I was the one buying and eating all the wrong foods.
It might take a few more dresses before I’m comfortable, but it was definitely a small victory. I can’t be a new me if I continue to accept the old negative narrative. I love my Life, I love who I am, it’s time my body got some of the right attention, the kind of attention it deserves. It too is part of who I am, it’s brought me through a lot, it’s proved itself resilient against whatever illness is thrown at it, and each time it and I come back stronger than ever. This body deserves a medal for all I’ve put it through and the next few months aren’t going to get easier.
I’m glad I’m a good cook, it makes my healthy lifestyle less of chore and more of a challenge. My taste has already changed and I can no longer tolerate added sugar. Fizzy drinks were the thing I missed most and now I can’t bear the smell of them. I love my new lifestyle and the exercise is getting better too. My knees are complaining so progress isn’t as fast as I would like, I am afraid of doing myself an injury, so taking it slowly. They will eventually get used to my new lifestyle.
I am walking my 3rd mini marathon in June.