Anger

Let me tell you what anger feels like, let me tell you how it all started. When I was only 6 years old, anger came when my parents wouldn’t buy me the toy I wanted at the moment, so a little fire ignited within my chest and I started to cry and scream, but my parents waited till’ my anger was over and still didn’t bought me the toy. The anger passed, but that little fire never went away. I turned 10 years old, and I was in school and that little fire had grown since I was 6, so now when I was ten years old, all that my anger would do was search its way through the surface anytime I asked myself: why “the cool kids” didn’t talk to me? Or, why was I much skinnier than the other girls? and why didn’t anybody wanted to play with me? but still I had my group of friends, or so I thought they were friends. I turned 13 and those who I thought were my friends left me all alone and went on with their lives as if I never existed, and the fire expanded combined with puberty and all the other hormones flowing on those ages made my anger even worse, but I could control it at the time, keep myself in check. I became 15 and I met this boy, who became my first ever boyfriend, and with what I thought at the time was love, the fire within me extinguished completely, and I felt happier than ever… He was my first everything. My first kiss, my first date, my first time with a guy… Yeah! I thought we would last forever, and that’s why I gave him all of me… Until he left, because “I was too much for him and he couldn’t handle it”. The reality of the case was, he went out with another girl. The moment he left, that little fire that had extinguished the moment he came into my life, came as soon as he left, but it was worse than ever. Now it wasn’t just in my chest it had found its way through my lungs and my stomach, and every time I thought about him and all that I gave him, that little fire would turn hotter and much bigger every time that I breathed, because after all, air keeps fire alive and air is what ignites it. I tried so hard to control it, but the more I tried to keep it at bay, the more it would burn me, wanting to come out. What started as a little fire became wild flames, which brought new feelings. Feelings like jealousy, insecurities, distrust, sadness, oh and I almost forgot more anger, lots of it. Now I’m 19 years old, and I thought I had seen the worst of my anger, until some days ago, when I truly experienced anger at it’s highest. So, what does anger, real anger feel like? Anger feels like that little fire in your chest, that had started when you were only 6, expanding in a quite rapid pace all over your body, and you are trying to breath to calm it down, to keep at bay, but the more you breath, the more it lights up, the more hotter it gets and the more it expands until it finally gets to your head. That’s when it really has you, you shut down all coherent thoughts and now you don’t control yourself but anger controls you letting its truest colors show and make of you its puppet. You start to shake out of control because you at least try to not show how angry you are, your chest burns like if you were at the center of hell, after all that’s where the fire had started. Your movements become harsher, your voice becomes louder and your mind becomes violent, until you give in and all those violent thought come out of your mouth and you try so hard not to hit something or someone, that the shaking comes harder, you start sweating and your face turns red as the flames inside of you. You say things that you will regret but because you are so mad you decide to ignore it and deal with it later. You go outside, you begin to ask yourself almost screaming: “Why the hell are you always like this? Get your shit together!!” You begin walking in no direction in specific you just need air you tell yourself but you already know it only lights up brighter the fire within you. So you walk, in circles, through streets until you forget why you were even mad in the first place, until it stops burning so fucking much in your chest, in your lungs, especially in your mind. You get home, you get into the shower with more hot water, as if you hadn’t burned your body an hour ago. You let the water fall into your head, and you start thinking why do you have to be that way. You become suddenly sad, because you’re always questioning why you are who you are, instead of asking why people do the things they do to you that make this parts of you come out. You start crying harder telling yourself that you need to control it, master it, just like everybody tells you to do. You don’t want to be the crazy bitch, or a bitch at all. You want people to think of you as nice, sweet and delicate. But honey… don’t try to fool yourself, you aren’t any of those silly things. Your sweet and sour, your nice and a bitch, and you aren’t anything close to delicate, you are rough and nobody fucks with you. The more you try to control it, the more out of control it gets. Don’t think you can master anger at this stage. Anger has already mastered you.

By: Coralyz Reyes Lliran

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