I’d like to tell you about the most important person in my life. Many of you that know me were also close friends with Carlee, some of you may know about her, and others may know nothing of what I’m about to write. I feel responsible for telling Carlee’s story and feel guilty for not having done so earlier. I’ve recently started opening up more about Carlee, our time together, and my feelings since she passed way, and I’ve realized how therapeutic it has been. Coming together to celebrate what would have been her 27th birthday through #OurCarlee, and before any of my memories begin to fade, I wanted to write a little bit about her so that I can pass on her legacy to everyone — including friends, complete strangers, and eventually my children. She is the most incredible person I’ve ever known and deserves to be celebrated and remembered.

Anyone that knew, or had even interacted just once, with Carlee could tell you that she possessed a magnetic energy that cannot be described in words or pictures. This energy was an all-encompassing love and appreciation for every single person she interacted with. Just a brief moment with her would make your day. I’m going to continue to describe Carlee to you, but just writing this I know that words and pictures will never do her justice.

Carlee was an old soul, with idols like Janis Joplin and Marilyn Monroe. She was funny and goofy, dressing up in 80s gear whenever the opportunity presented itself and dancing like a maniac until she was a sweaty mess. She was stunningly beautiful with a perfect smile and piercing blue eyes. She was a leader. She was humble.

We went to a huge high school with over 2,000 students and everyone knew the name Carlee Wines. Boys instantly had crushes on her and everyone wanted to be her friend. She was the Homecoming Queen, student council Vice President, and above all else, she was the most kind and caring person I have ever met. At a time in our lives when people were so unsure of themselves, Carlee was welcoming and loving to every person, especially to those who struggled to make friends.

What I’ve always found most attractive about Carlee is her combination of emotional maturity and unrestrained silliness. She was financially self-sufficient in her teens and would visit her much younger half-brothers who lived almost an hour away whenever she could on the weekends, missing out on social events without complaining. She was also a complete goofball. One of our first dates was to Toys R Us to buy Tamagatchis (already 10 years out of style) and Spiderman web shooters that we then used to cover each other and my kitchen.

Beneath it all, Carlee had her own struggles. Being so close with her I saw those struggles firsthand, but almost all of the tears I saw her cry were for other people…her mom, her brothers, and her friends. Well, there was the one time that she was in tears because a strap broke on her prom dress, but hours later we were dancing like idiots and laughing about it.

Writing about Carlee and knowing that she is no longer here still feels surreal. Carlee was the most alive person in my life and all of this is beyond my worst nightmare. I wonder what we’d be doing together right now and I think about what she would be accomplishing in her life. My feelings for her have only grown stronger as the years have passed and I feel like now is the right time to share a little portion of our story.

Carlee and Me

When I was 11 and began to discover girls, Carlee was my first crush. Years down the road, she would playfully mock me for that crush because she didn’t understand if I was attracted to her awkward bowl haircut, braces, or early growth spurt. Maybe it was just that magnetic energy.

As the years went by we remained friends and Carlee blossomed into a gorgeous and confident young woman, making my crush all the more painful. I always still held a spot for her but I resigned that it just wasn’t meant to be. That all changed when I returned from a cycling trip over the summer before our senior year in high school. When a group of friends greeted me at my home in August, I could tell that Carlee was looking at me in a different way. She would later say that I finally “looked like a man,” which I interpreted as “jacked and tan,” but I think she meant that I had confidence and that she finally like liked me. I needed to move into action. I of course did not move into action. Although I was an outgoing and popular young kid I was intimidated by girls, none more than Carlee Wines. But Carlee was patient. After missing more than my fair share of opportunities over the next couple months, a night in early October arrived when we were both volunteering for a “Welcome to MHS event” for incoming freshmen and their parents. Carlee offered to drive me home.

As we started driving away, the butterflies were exploding in my stomach. I insisted that we make a completely unnecessary pit stop to our best friend Adam’s house, for no other reason but to buy time and calm my nerves. We eventually left, drove to my house, and as Carlee slowly pulled into my driveway to drop me off, I knew that the moment of truth was about to arrive. Just as she was stopping her car and I would finally need to make my move, Marvin Gaye’s smooth vocals came on the radio:

“Baaaaby….I can’t hold it much longer, it’s getting stronger and stronger, and when I get that feeling…”

…and we looked at each other. And we started hysterically laughing. Two high school kids who came of age in the 90s and early 2000s were about to have their first kiss to Marvin Gaye’s “Sexual Healing.” As ridiculous as the situation may have been, that kiss is the greatest moment in my life. During our first year in college when I was at Bucknell and she at UConn, I wrote to Carlee “I would have spent an eternity going after you if that only led to that one kiss.” Thankfully, there was to be more.

Over the next few months, Carlee and I began dating and soon fell in love. I still find myself internally having to justify that we were in fact in love because I realize how shallow some high school relationships can be. This was not the case with us. Our love was deeper than just physical affection and we had a connection and friendship as powerful as a couples together for five decades. Carlee was my best friend. I looked up to her. We wanted each other to be as happy as possible and were willing to make sacrifices in order to do so. She shaped me into the person I am today and enhanced all of the relationships in my life. I can only hope that I made Carlee just as happy in her short time in this world. Now having been nine years past from when we started dating, I still have not felt any emotion close to the love and electricity of being with Carlee.

I can go on describing Carlee and our time together, but I want to give you a glimpse of what some other people have said about her, even those who barely knew her:

A fellow student, written in a Facebook group in her memory: “We never really knew each other but today I remembered an experience I had a few years ago involving you that inspired me. I was working at Value City and you came up to pay for your bedding, which was all Spiderman themed but you weren’t embarrassed at all, and even joked about it. A great person is not afraid of what others may think, even with little things like this.”

Another student: “I was a freshman when you were a junior and I don’t think I’ve heard anybody’s name floating around the school more than yours. You were one of the most popular girls in the building, and for all the perfect and positive reasons. Embracing life wasn’t an option for you, it was necessary.”

A motivational speaker with cerebral palsy: “Carlee asked me to host a motivational assembly to her high school senior class in May 2006. She then convinced her principal that all students at Manalapan High School needed to hear this assembly. So the principal scheduled my assemblies for May 2007. Last week, I hosted three of these assemblies at a middle school.”

…This last comment is so unbelievable that it doesn’t…seem believable! But it is. At 18 years old, Carlee befriended an incredible motivational speaker (click here to read about Paul) and was so moved that she made sure thousands of other students were delivered the same message. Carlee and Paul still corresponded when she went to college, and I’m sure she was planning on creating an event at UConn to have him speak.

Carlee was one of a kind.

Saying Goodbye

I’ve never really talked with anyone about the actual hour-by-hour events of when Carlee passed away and my fear and sadness in those days.

On a cold morning in January, I was woken up by my freshman hall’s RA, Loretta, and she said that I needed to call my parents immediately. I nervously popped up and demanded she tell me why, and Loretta couldn’t hold back from admitting that Carlee was hit by a car. I called my parents and they told me everything they knew and that they were on their way to pick me up to go to the hospital in Hartford. I forget where details were coming from, but I think I was told Carlee had broken her hip, several other bones, and was unconscious. I called Carlee’s phone, which had been turned off, and I called her mom, Pam, but couldn’t get through.

I was very upset but not traumatized. I had initially assumed the worst and it seemed like Carlee was going to survive. If she was in a wheelchair for the rest of her life we would be okay. Nervously waiting for my parents, I talked with Carlee’s best friends Jenn and Taryn. I couldn’t calm down and started reading through a textbook cover to cover, trying to do anything to distract myself.

Finally, Pam returned my call. I nervously responded and started rattling off questions, “How is she? Are you at this hospital? Someone said she broke her hip.”

“Corey.” Pam abruptly stopped me. “Carlee is going to die.”

That moment and those words still haunt me. Reading them now gives me an intense pressure in my chest and takes me right back to that dorm room.

My parents eventually arrived to pick me up at Bucknell and I saw the pain in their faces. They already knew about Carlee’s fate but didn’t want to tell me over the phone. When we got to the hospital, we went to Carlee’s room in the ICU where she was laying in a bed, still looking flawless, almost as if she were napping. She had received severe trauma in her head and the rest of her body, and it became clear that she would never wake up again.

At first some family members and close friends were allowed to come in to see her briefly, but as Carlee’s condition worsened over two days and the fluids pumping through her swelled her fingers and lips, it was only her parents and myself in the room for her final hours and moments. I am forever grateful that they wanted me by her side. I was holding Carlee’s hand when her heart stopped beating and I hope that she felt me there.

Carlee and I spoke late that night before the accident, probably an hour or two beforehand. We had both been drinking, our conversation was pleasant but brief, and to be honest I don’t remember exactly what we talked about. I do remember that we emphatically told each other “I love you.”

The weeks and months that followed were a complete whirlwind. Thousands of people came for her wake and funeral, and a memorial 5-mile run was held in May for a scholarship fund in her name, a tradition that we still continue. There was a media circus from New Jersey to Connecticut eager to tell the story of the beautiful college girl that was killed in a hit-and-run accident. There was such an outpouring of love and support that I will never be able to repay.

I’m still angry and upset that Carlee can’t live out her dreams. I’m angry that Pam is without her only child. I feel like my life was robbed from me. I am jealous of other people in love.

It pains me to think that we will all be growing old, and I will forever be in love with Carlee, frozen in time at 19 years old. Even in high school I dreamed of what it would be like to grow old with Carlee…getting married, having kids, aging and getting wrinkly, and how much fun that would be with her by my side. I was absolutely certain, and still am, that we were going to spend the rest of our lives together.

As time has passed I’m thankful that almost all of my thoughts about Carlee are about the incredible times we shared together and not about those tragic days in late January. The other day I passed the Madame Tussauds Wax Museum, and I couldn’t stop smiling, thinking about the time Carlee surprised me with a trip there before seeing Avenue Q for my 18th birthday. Darting around to see the wax celebrities, we were laughing as Carlee cozied up to Bon Jovi, flirted with Bill Clinton, and snapped her fingers to get Hellen Keller’s attention (sorry for offending anyone).

I no longer need to quickly sneak out of a room whenever Bon Jovi, Dispatch, or “Sexual Healing” start playing out of a fear of breaking down in tears. I find myself bringing up Carlee in conversation to more people than I did in the past and it leaves me feeling good rather than upset. I’ll still occasionally break down at night, going through photos or notes from her, leading down a black hole of going through every single item that reminds me of her, knowing that no new memories will be created. More recently I feel guilty if I’m interested in a girl because I know whoever that is that I will never love her as purely and intensely as I love Carlee. I still know exactly how Carlee’s laugh sounds and play it over and over in my head. I think about her every day and live to make her proud.

Thank you

Lastly, I want to say thank you. Since January 22, 2007, hundreds and hundreds of people have written to tell me how much Carlee meant to them and that I was in their thoughts. Please know that although I may have never responded, I still read those notes frequently and your words mean the world to me and have saved my life. I think some people are often afraid to approach me to talk with me about Carlee because they don’t want to bring me down, but please know that I am thankful to you too. I know that you are thinking about Carlee. When I bump into old friends from high school I can sense that seeing me reminds them of Carlee, and I see those thoughts running through their heads. You may not have said anything, but I am sincerely thankful to you too. Many new friends that never knew Carlee have also given me tremendous support, especially those of you from Bucknell, and I am eternally grateful to all of you.

I wanted to share something my old high school friend Max wrote me that I read whenever I am feeling down. As the years pass I sometimes need validation that our relationship was as strong as I imagined, and his beautiful words struck a cord with me.

Dear Corey,

Words cannot express how sorry I am or the amount of love that you and Carlee shared. It is a shame that two such wonderful, loving, and happy people have to leave on terms you’ve endured. You and Carlee existed as one person. You shared the same wonderful personality and both gave as much to the world as you gave to each other.

Although I did not know Carlee as much as I would have liked to, I know the power she had in her heart and the care she had for each and every person in her life. As you know, she always had a smile on her face and never looked at life doubtingly. She was a ray of sunshine that brightened everyone’s day when she entered a room or spoke. Her laugh was so powerful that she could turn frowns upside down. The only tears I’ve ever seen her shed were tears of joy because that is all she knew.

Ever since I’ve known each of you, I knew you were perfect for each other. You lived, loved, cried and laughed together in a way that made it seem as if each of you were the others sun with which the rest of the world revolved around. I know that you, your family, as well as hers, will continue to love and cherish her for the rest of time. My deepest sympathies to all and if there is anything I can do to help lift some of the burden of your shoulders do not hesitate to ask.

Sincerely, Max Gott

I’ve never even given Max, along with so many hundreds of other people, the courtesy of a response. I have zero doubt that Carlee would be horrified and disappointed with me. I’m going to change that…and everyone who has written to me, prepare for thank you notes that are nearly eight years late!

I have no regrets of my time with Carlee. We truly loved and respected each other. She was my best friend, my greatest role model, and the love of my life. She was just perfect. If she were here right now I’d be saying the same exact thing, perhaps as we were reading wedding vows.

I love you Carlee and always will!

P.S. Sorry for telling everyone about “Sexual Healing.”