Tipping: a horror story — Angela Mary Claire Thompson

The evidence is mounting that I may be the worst AFL tipper that the world has ever seen.

I started off strong, I was getting emails from ESPN with OUTSTANDING in the subject bar, but in the last few weeks the wheels have well and truly fallen off.

My tipping tactic that may have served me well in those early rounds, has certainly not worked in my favour from Round 5 onward.

You see, I tip for the teams I *want* to win, or often more accurately, against the teams I want to lose. The early weeks were easy. I, like most other humans, wanted the Hawks and the Swans to lose. There are two easy picks done. I wanted the Doggies to win, and still do. I would never tip against the Dogs, that would be tantamount to treason. One of my best mates quite often tips against his team, Carlton, so I always feel obliged to pick up the slack. I’ll chuck the Blues a nod even when their own members wont. However, when I tip them, they usually lose.It turns out my friends Treat ’Em Mean, Keep ’Em Keen approach has merit. In Round 5, I tipped Port Adelaide but then accidentally chose a zero point margin. Port smashed Carlton by 90 points that game. Even when I tip right, I tip wrong.

But I prefer tipping with passion rather than, oh I don’t know, even the most basic of common sense. Sometimes it works out great! Who wasn’t hoping St Kilda would beat Collingwood in Round 4? 14 points was a very respectable margin.

I never tip WA teams, or the Suns or the Giants. For personal reasons, you see. Obviously however, sometimes I am forced to and then my East Coast loyalty prevails. I will choose the least aesthetically pleasing guernesys in the game over West Coast scum. If there was a proposal to change the AFL to the ECFL, I would be first to sign the petition. Adelaide and Port Adelaide can swing either way IMO.

If you’ve listened to Episode 14 of the podcast, I outlined my plan to dig a trench between WA and the rest of Australia and fill it with all their pesky sharks. I have another window open where I’m currently drafting a funding proposal to make this happen.

Although perhaps I should just demand they pay for it.

Back to Round 5, even though we were all fed up to the back teeth with the Crows, who didn’t enjoy seeing them smash the Suns at their own house? Lovely! Who wasn’t accidentally cheering for the Giants when they did the same to Sydney?

The came Round 6, where I broke from tradition and tipped the stupid sodding Hawks, only to have them be obliterated by St Kilda. IN TASMANIA! I wasn’t really tipping the Hawks, I was tipping the Tasmanian Government’s financial decisions. Incorrectly.

Round 6 was also where my beloved Bulldogs lost to the Giants at Homeopathy Oval or whatever it’s called. Manuka. Honey Oval. A solid stripper name, to be sure.

Round 7, I mixed things up. I tipped against the teams I wanted to win (apart from the Dogs, I, unlike Carlton fans, have some loyalty). It did not work. Carlton, St Kilda, Geelong, Adelaide, Essendon.. the list continues. Fortunately my Doggies prevailed over the Tiges, although it was a nervous game. Here is a picture of myself and the Bulldogs Bannerman Danny McGinlay at half time, coping. Sort of.

This brings us to Round 8, where I peaked not only as a footy tipper, but possibly as a human being in general. This kind of abysmal record takes some actual skill. You’d be hard pressed to tip this badly even if you tipped completely at random.

Bow down to your Queen.

I was watching my Doggies have something awful happen to them in WA, while I was in a casino on a cruise ship. We were watching on a delay, and I started to suspect that things were not going to end well when my Dad appeared with a cocktail in a novelty cup for me at the start of the final quarter. I think someone had done a sneaky score check and realised that his daughter was about to suffer heartbreak only healed by a mojito in a fish.

So here we are. Round 9. Here are my tips, my dirty laundry if you will, out for all to see. Wooden Spoon is still a prize.

This has changed from my podcast tipping, where I for some reason decided to back WC. The Water Closet Eagles.

Now, everyone focus their energy on the Doggies tonight. Like this.