It’s nights like these that remind me that I’m not alone. But not in the sense that you think. Some nights, like this night, my depression catches up to me and reminds me that it’s still here. And all I want to do is talk to someone, but I almost never know who to talk to.. and it’s not just depression, it never is. It’s anxiety, it’s all the crappy memories, and it’s the fear. Fear of what happens when I try to crawl out of this dark place but fail. I’ve been through hell, but I can hardly remember. How can you remember what not feeling feels like? You block it out. People wonder what it’s like to be me but you don’t want to understand. I don’t understand it either and it’s not as simple as flipping a switch that makes it all go away. This is my life. A whirlpool where the water is out of my control and I swim against the current for control of my life, but when I get sucked in and my depression appears, people believe that I chose to drop myself in the ocean. I didn’t. It’s not something I can control. I fight it everyday and it never goes away. This is what happens when I have a depressive episode.
It’s hard to explain, a rush of negative feelings happens so fast that I don’t see it coming at all and I numb myself so I can’t feel anything real. Physically, I have tightened breath and my whole body is stressing out. I lack energy, which makes me tired and I don’t want to move, which gives me zero distractions from my thoughts, which then start to focus negatively on anything and everything, causing ruminations which then cause a self perpetuating cycle. I want it to stop, and I want to talk to somebody about it, but I can’t. The ruminations and thoughts don’t really allow me to be proactive and talk to people when I’m thinking that I’m worthless and why would anybody want to talk to me? The negative thoughts surface more times than a tide on a beach. What would I say? I’m sad, angry, and irritated and I don’t know why? I want to ask for help, but how can you ask someone for help from something they don’t understand?
Sometimes I find the strength to talk to someone, other times I try and power through on my own. Sometimes people will try and make me feel crazy, but I know it’s just because they don’t understand. How could they? They have nothing to compare it to. It’s natural for people to understand cause and effect when you get dumped by your girlfriend. There’s reason behind it. But Depression? The reason behind it is simple imperfection so small that no one ever notices it. It’s a mental illness. And it’s one I have to live with for the rest of my life and by morning, everything will look fine and no one will ever know what happened. But I know. And I know it will be back.