Coming to Terms With My (unknown) Emotions
Figuring out what I’m feeling at any given moment is usually fairly difficult. I find myself doing this often.
Sad? Not really.
Lonely? Yes, but also no.
Apathetic? Nearly always.
I’m always trying to see the most fundamental part of any problem or situation and it’s hard to convince myself that I’ve found it. It’s like there’s always something that I’m missing and the reasons why I think or feel a certain way about something are probably subconscious and come from some conditioned bias or emotional reaction.
For example, politics. (I could go on a huge tangent about how politics is merely an outgrowth of the money-market system and will never create relevant systemic change, but that’s not the point of this post). The national discussion always seems to be so painfully narrow and strictly two-sided. It’s incredibly frustrating for me to even begin to discuss current topics with people because I always end up re-iterating something similar about a “fundamental problem” or the fact that they’re missing the point and refusing to accept that the problem isn’t just black and white (like most things, I’ve come to find). It’s even more frustrating having these discussions in person, since I often have a hard time articulating my point.
Naturally, I apply the same sort of painstaking, overly-analytical way of thinking about things to my own emotions.
Why do I feel this way? Am I just lonely? Maybe I need to create more and be productive and I won’t feel like sitting on my bed staring at my phone is all I’m capable of. Would I feel different if I wasn’t stressed about work and school and money? Would I be happy then? Why do I even get stressed about things such as work and money when I’ve already come to the realization that neither are socioeconomically relevant and it’s virtually one big fictitious game? (Also a subject for another time).
All I’ve come up with so far is, “I don’t know.” Maybe I’ll never know exactly what I’m feeling and why. Maybe that’s just part of the human condition, I’m not sure. But I do think there’s a beauty in it. I’m firmly grounded in how I view the world and what should affect me and what shouldn’t and what really matters and what doesn’t. That’s extremely comforting, especially in the midst of all the scary and horrific happenings in the world today.
I know, or at least I think I do, what general path in life will make me happy and fulfilled, and I’m working towards that. And I know that my relentless wave of cloudy thoughts and feelings will be along for the ride, whether I come to truly understand them or not.
