Divorced Not Defeated: 10 Tips On How Not To Confuse The Two.
I recently took a Facebook fast. Once on the platform multiple times a day, but when my ex and I legally separated, I suddenly got space from updating people on my life. Not much to say really. And honestly, reading posts and seeing pictures of apparently super happy friends and family triggered me. Were they being fake? Was I just simply jealous? Neither for me. As a young man going through divorce it was…well, sad. It felt as if everyone else was playing outside, while I recused myself in a shack of shame. Let’s face it, divorce can get a bad wrap. Marriage symbolizes the fusion of a stainless-steel bond of love and dedication, whereas divorce, a red-headed step child is the proverbial “go to your room” of failure, the price one pays for not being able to make the former work. I judged myself up and down. How could I have dropped the ball? This was the one thing I felt I had gotten right, now this?
Whether you have been single, married, divorced, or somewhere in between, this post is an attempt to reframe divorce from being another word for defeat to a new frontier that may not be ideal initially, yet is full of purpose and possibility. Many associate the color white with that magical wedding day, and often black with the end of life, the funeral. Some say grey could represent divorce, an unfortunate granite tombstone that emerges in one’s life. This is a part of a narrative embedded in American as well as the global culture. Yet as many are becoming more and more awoke, especially me having found myself going through a divorce in my 40’s, life in these stark terms isn’t monolithic. Just when you thought I might make the argument that life is neither black nor white, but grey, I’ll jump tracks and go one step further…it’s a rainbow. Hokey my assertion may be, but as someone who was devastated when the mother of my children and I separated 2 years ago, I came to appreciate that famous phrase from the movie, “The Shawshank Redemption”, I could get busy living, or get busy dying…and I consider myself too damn sexy to do the latter.
Here are some powerful insights I’ve come to know as true for me during my journey. My hope is they inspire anyone who may be going through a separation / divorce.
10 Things To Remember:
- Divorce is what happened to you, but it’s not who you are.
Let’s be clear, divorce is a description, not a definition of one’s worth, at least for me.
2. Divorce is a beginning as much as it is an end. (I could look at the dissolution of marriage as a smoldering battlefield with carnage surrounding me, or a smoking landscape of volcanic ash forming new land mass. Guess which I chose? Hint: They’re both hot as hell).
3. It’s Ok To Feel (Fill-In-The-Emotion). I have this voice inside my head called the Feelings Police. It hands out citations of criticism whenever it deems me as doing that “Feeling Thing”. First off, men are too busy to be feeling things, we’re too preoccupied with building skyscrapers or something, right? Despite my sarcasm, I’ve learned to give my feelings police paid leave, and let myself feel whatever it is moving through my body and awareness even if it’s untidy and uncomfortable.
4. Divorce is a process not a One-And-Done. When finalized it can feel like checking off a box in the sky with the words Divorce..Check. Even after parting ways with my former partner, it still stings. I’m not gonna pretend I’m not disappointed but I’m happy to feel that I am clear and complete on my choice.
5. Divorce can actually be Healthy. Don’t let the reality shows and tabloids fool you. I have discovered life after leaving a marriage to be refreshing, peaceful and fulfilling. (Disclaimer: Getting to this place did not happen overnight and I occasionally split and stumble back into not feeling this way at all).
6. Divorce can be a great time to rediscover yourself. (Self-Care) We often take on roles in relationships as care taker, provider, willing or unwillingly. Nothing wrong with that in essence but what I’ve come to know now is how precious it is to take this time to care for myself. The other day I got a full body massage. Something I hadn’t done for years and I felt amazing.
7. Divorce as punishment keeps you in the past but seen as progress, keeps one in the present. Ask yourself whether you have forgiven the other and/ or yourself and if you’re holding onto any desire to punish your Ex or yourself for not having “stuck it out”. This may interfere with your progress for moving forward. Are you living in the past? If so, admitting that you may have some unresolved pain around the relationship or it’s end is crucial to look at and unpack.
8. Divorce Or Post-Marriage Vows. There is a great quote by the late Earl Nightingale that simply says, “We become what we think about.” I choose to set vows for myself following my marriage. To honor myself. To be honest with myself, etc. Vows are not exclusive to the day you swap rings. What creative statements can you draft for your new life?
9. Divorce can be a Win-Win versus an End-End. I am a story collector. I hear stories from society, media, family, friends and oh, that “never-gets-tired of telling me what’s right and wrong” rolodex called my mind. I decided one day that I could either mark myself as a loser because of my divorce or make a more empowering choice. That choice was creating a new narrative, that divorce would be a Win-Win for me, my ex and our two boys.
10. Divorce is Not Defeat. Lastly, living in a world where competition, winners and losers reign supreme, it’s so easy for me to consider myself benched, defeated in the game of wedded matrimony. Unbeknownst to what others may say, I am choosing a different story. It helps no one, not my ex, children, family, friends or myself to call myself defeated. Now I’m in no way falling victim to some pollyanna idealism here. Did the marriage end? Yes. Could I go as far as to even say I failed. Sure. But am I a failure? Sorry, no cigar on that last one. I look forward to being in a strong, trustworthy, loving relationship again, not to change my 0–1 marriage score, but to contribute to my and the lives of those around me.
What’s your story? Please share how this post lands for you. What’s your experience with ending a relationship and how did you get through it?
