A Letter for the Self-Loathing, Narcissist

Today, more so than ever, I’m overwhelmed with pain. It was a result of my own doing. It’s my own form of self-loathing and deprivation. It’s a way of punishing myself for the all the wrong and hurt that has befell upon others as a direct result of my being. Like I have said so many times before, I am sorry. I apologize to every misfortuned being with the burden of knowing me. But I apologize to myself most of all. I’ve treated myself very poorly and unfair in this life, and I don’t think I will ever be able to forgive myself for that. And in that apology I see my own vanity and narcissistic self-pity that seems to persistently define me. But I’m done making apologies and excuses for the man tarnished by his wrongdoing and shortcomings. I’m liberating myself from the bondages of my identity. So in this moment of self-inflicted pain I relinquish these chains. If there was ever a man destined to live in madness, I fear it was me. But I am learning, in my own agony, that the madness lies in the idea that we are defined by our failings. Madness is faith in a doomed destiny, that’s what madness is, and thats what I’ve never been able to understand... Until now. I realize that I no longer need to bring myself to this state of unbearable agony to justify our hurt. I need to realize it for what it is - a river on the path that is our past. We must cross it. So as I lay here broken and beaten down on this floor I realize that none of this was really worth it, but if I had to do it all over again I would. I realize that I need this to be a reminder, that no matter how agonizing the pain is when looking at yourself for the pathetic, naive, and self-involved being you are, it is worth it. All healing comes to us in tragedy... And I think I’m finally learning how to heal in more than just a "stuck on band-aid brand" kind of way.