Your September Horoscope

Annnd somehow we’ve found ourselves in month nine of 2022. That’s right, it is officially September. How we got from January to now, I’ll never know, but what I do know is that this month has its fair share of planetary transits. And there is at least one planetary transit that is guaranteed to shake up your world even more than the realization that summer is officially o-v-e-r.

I’m of course talking about that pesky nat of a transit, Mercury Retrograde. The planet of communication begins its perceived backbedal through Libra on Sept. 9, where it will share a bumpy ride until Oct. 2. Of course, there are plenty of transits happening before and after Mercury Rx.

On Sept. 5, Venus, the planet of love, lust, and relating, enters practical Virgo, dialing up our desire for cleanliness, usefulness and worry. During this transit, you express love through practical means: ironing your beau’s button downs, buying them gas or fussing over whether or not they drank their carrot juice this morning.

That is, until Venus enters Libra on Sept. 29. During this transit, you’re all buddy-buddy with your boo or bestie, aiming to do everything in tandem with ‘em.

Before that, we have a Full Moon in Pisces on Sept. 10. Pisces is the sign of romance and daydreams. Emotions always run high on full moons, but this one may be too much for some signs to handle. Why? Imma tell you later. Jeez.

Autumn officially begins on Sept. 22, when the Sun enters Libra, and your yearning for newness and camaraderie gets even more yearning-full. (Is that a word? It is now!) Retrograde Mercury re-enters detail-loving Virgo the very next day, backpedaling through the earth sign until Oct. 2nd.

And last, but certainly not least, on Sept. 25, we have a New Moon in Libra, which promises to be a fruitful new moon for starting something new, as both Libra (an initiatory cardinal sign) and the novel lunation love new things.

Oh, but enough with the sexy foreplay. It’s time for the good stuff.

Your undoubtedly off-kilter and slightly satirical 2022 September Horoscope

Wait, wouldn’t you rather listen to your September horoscope? Of course you would! Which is why you should check out my podcast Cosmic Chronicles: Astrology with Cosmic Cannibal. There you’ll find this episode and many, many more. Also, you should follow me on TikTok. (Hey, I had to get the self-promo in there sometime.) Anyway, back to the horoscopes!

Aries ♈

As you aim to conquer this thing called life, Venus Virgo helps you get your sh*t together. Like Lizzy Mcguire, you tend to live in your head, thinking up big-picture goals you never end up achieving, but this transit helps you manifest love and other stuff on the earth plane.

Mercury Retrograde brings verbal misfirings between you and your partners. My advice: don’t be afraid to tell them you’re sorry– even if it was their fault.

It’s all high vibes on Sept. 10, thanks to the Pisces Full Moon. Your imagination and intuition surge, and a person from the past resurfaces and tugs at your heart strings. This person may not actually be real. In fact, they may be a ghost and you two may get it on like that sexy pottery-making scene in Ghost.

Libra season starts Sept. 22, and this once again puts partnerships front and center. And with the Libra new moon on Sept. 25, these feelings are magnified. If you’re in a relationship, you’ll be spending more time with your significant other; and if single, you’re more than ready to mingle.

Venus in Libra makes your romantic feelings airy and detached, which feels kinda weird until you realize being so calm and collected helps you work alongside others to complete any projects or goals; compromise is your best friend.

Taurus ♉

Venus in Virgo falls in the area of your chart that rules love, creativity, and games. Money, attention, and creative inspiration are yours for the taking. Mercury Retrograde may cause a few hiccups and make it challenging to stick with any new health/wellness routine, but don’t beat yourself up. Remember, patience is part of the growth process. So too are pumpkin spice lattes

Come Sept. 29, Venus in Libra helps you care more about self-care. If you’ve been avoiding the doctor (the dentist, the chiropractor, or your therapist, etc) the way I’ve been avoiding reality, then checkups and wellness seem 100% more appealing during this time.

Your social life and artistic sensibilities bloom in the days leading up to and away from the Pisces Full Moon. A group endeavor reaches its peak and you’re ready to move forward towards your bigger aspirations. If that doesn’t apply, I don’t know what else to tell you.

Libra season brings balance to your work environment and makes interactions with coworkers or fellow students a lot more relaxed. If you overdid it during Virgo season (eating, drinking, partying, etc.), then Libra season will gently remind you to overdo it some more because Libra is not known for its self-discipline. The Libra new moon brings a welcomed reset…

Gemini ♊

Great news: Venus in Virgo stirs up your need for order. OK. Maybe that’s not great news, but organization is the name of the game until Sept. 29. You may finally reorganize your personal space. By which I mean your head, because we both know it’s been jumbled lately.

On the 9th, Mercury turns retrograde in Libra, causing bedlam in your creative brain. Rather than begin anything new, it’s wiser to return to pre-existing creative projects — be they poems, would-be novels, or that masterpiece painting you have yet to complete. Because most of what is started during Mercury Retrograde seldom sees the finish line

The Pisces Full Moon on the 10th sees you doubting your career path and life goals. Good thing Libra season turns that all around. Starting Sept. 22nd, your muse is at your beck and call. So, use your muse on the 25th to cast a creative / romantic spell.

By Sept, 29, Venus in Libra revs up your desire for drama, making you flirty and eager for temporary partnership. Aim to constructively express these desires. Start writing, painting, or playing tennis again. Go see a play. Even better: Download a dating app and flirt with strangers on the internet until you get bored. Whatever you do, don’t start drama just for the hell of it…

Cancer ♋

Ready for change? (Of course not, you hate change!) The Virgo New Moon brings major and minor changes to your social group as well as your hopes and dreams, potentially bringing some promising opportunities for growth. That’s personal growth, not a mysterious mole-on- your-inner-thigh-type of growth.

Mercury Retrograde may cause communication commotion. Rather than shut out all the noise and retreat into your shell, you should instead aim to address confrontations directly. Most miscommunications arise because of silence, anyway.

The Pisces Full Moon on the 10th leaves you crying over your life expectations like how I cried when I heard Britney Spears was free from the tyranny of her father. Your intuition is particularly strong at this time, and your emotions are dialed way up. As restless as you may feel, it’s best to breathe and stay positive.

Home and family become a primary concern during Libra Season and on the Libra new moon. Uninterested in the outside social scene outside, your casa becomes the hive for all social activities. Mom and pop may also stop by for a visit; if they’re still your roomies, life together is much more peaceful.

Starting the 29th, Venus in Libra has you itching to redecorate your room or move altogether. Trouble is, you can’t decide what it is you want to change more: your permanent residence or your temporary surroundings…

Leo ♌

Look at your financial resources. Do you feel that everything is up to snuff? Venus in Virgo may help you attract more moolah and make the most of your natural talents. And no, simply being you doesn’t count as a natural talent. (Trust me, I Googled it. I also Googled “popular TikTok filter.” Why? Stay tuned.)

Mercury Retrograde musses up your plans, but it doesn’t stop you. Nothing stops you!

The Pisces Full Moon on the 10th has you feeling all the feels. There could be an emotional crisis involving loved ones and maybe even an inheritance or deep-rooted secret. Whatever happens, it’s best to cry it out and post pics of yourself crying on TikTok because their filters can make you look like anything other than a sad sac! (My fave is “Beauty Mode”)

Beginning the 22nd, Libra Season emphasizes your need for self-expression. Whether this means you write your ass off or decide to try your hand at stand up comedy, the goal is that you creatively express your thoughts as best as you can. So maybe try and manifest that on the Libra new moon? Just saying.

Venus enters Libra on the 29th, livening up your social life, bringing a flurry of texts, emails, and DMs from your closest friends and family. You’re scheduling dates and drinks like a Tom Arnold. Wait, do you not know who that is? Well, he was married to Rosanne Barr — you don’t know who that is either, do you? Oh well, moving on.

Virgo ♍

Venus in Virgo is all about you, your aims, and your wants. Selfish though it might seem, it’s ok to focus on you. Of course, if you wanna focus on me, that’s OK too. Mercury Retrograde may mess with your budget, so refrain from making any major purchases. Chances are you won’t like them (but you don’t really like anything you buy).

You’ll be concerned with your partnerships (or lack thereof) on the 10th. The Pisces Full Moon emphasizes the importance of one-on-one relationships, and you might get a bit emotional about your current relationship status. Whether single or dating, you feel disillusioned by love.

When Libra Season kicks off on Sept. 22, your focus shifts to your possessions, property, and self-appreciation. And on the 25th, it’s time to take stock of your belongings– both physical and personal –and see what makes you happy and what can make you money.

By Sept. 29, Venus in Libra helps you aspire to make more money. This could be because you want to spend more money on pretty (yet purposeless) knick-knacks. Be mindful of wasteful spending…

Libra ♎

Life is a little confusing thanks to Venus in Virgo. People are really draining the life out of you and you just want to be alone. This is how The Unabomber felt before he, you know… Mercury Retrograde has an adverse effect on your communications. Watch that you don’t argue unnecessarily.

On the 10th, the Pisces Full Moon ends any current health/wellness routine you’ve been kinda, sorta thinking about doing. Don’t get bogged down by what you haven’t yet done, and instead look at this as an opportunity to start over.

Speaking of starting over, on the 22nd the Sun enters your sign and you feel reborn. Like the Venus in Libra transit, you’ve got oodles of energy and a desire to get sh*t done. Bonus: Your confidence and creativity are as bright as the Sun. So, use these sunny vibes to manifest something special on your New Moon.

Your ruling planet, Venus, enters your sign on the 29th, and suddenly, you have more creative, romantic and lustful desires. You can constructively target this sudden burst of sensuality and lust with some creative self-expression. Art, writing and thirst traps are all on the table.

Scorpio ♏

Sept. 5th begins a new period of methodology and friendliness. Venus in Virgo inspires you to get methodical about your daily grind. Friends — whether new or old — may also play a part in this grand scheme to grind away (that sounds weird). Mercury turns retrograde on the 9th, and brings with it self-delusion and misunderstandings. You’re forewarned!

The Pisces New Moon on the 10th may cause some misunderstandings in your love life or with a creative project. Rather than abandon ship, think about what you need from or out of this relationship/project. Is it reassurance or clarity or compassion? Only your intuition has the answer. That or AskJeeves– is that still a thing?

By the 22nd, Libra Season sees you retreating into your private world. This private world can take many forms– your bedroom, your imagination, your childhood treehouse–but its purpose is the same: you just want to get away from people for a little while. The forced isolation works wonders on your creativity. And really, a retreat into a safe space isn’t a bad idea. It’ll strengthen your manifestation practice for the Libra new moon.

When Venus enters Libra, she sits in that part of your chart where planets typically like to sleep then suddenly wake up like an old guy with sleep apnea. So, admirers will simultaneously exhilarate and exhaust you. Any relationship started during this time will be hush-hush…

Sagittarius ♐

Save your optimism and energy for your career goals, because Venus in Virgo is all about that vocation. At work, you may get an opportunity for advancement. And more work may be just what you need to truly succeed. Mercury Retrograde could cause a hitch in your communications with those higher ups, so try not to be too blunt.

The Pisces Full Moon puts a spotlight on your home life. If you’ve been overworking, you haven’t had a chance to just chill on the couch. Unless your job is being a professional couch potato. I wonder if that’s how Mr. Potato Head got his start?

Libra season accelerates that previously mentioned desire to get cliquey with others. Socializing is your biggest aim. That and overwhelming social media with verbose posts about your every thought. Here’s a thought: don’t turn your DMs into quotes. The Libra new moon could bring new fans, followers or besties.

Beginning the 29th, Venus in Libra motivates you to take a more active role in your groups (this includes work and study groups, btw). Of course, this urge to merge with the collective may only be for appearance’s sake, but you’ll benefit from the effort nonetheless…

Capricorn ♑

Connect with that part of you that dreams big, Venus in Virgo wants you to nourish and grow your goals the way Pinterest keeps telling me to grow my glutes. When are you gonna learn that you get that which you seek by ceasing to seek it? Mercury Retrograde makes work as confusing as that last sentence of mine. (Actually, it’s not confusing, it’s wise. Thank you very much.)

The Pisces Full Moon has you feeling curious yet confused, like how I feel when searching for something to watch on Netflix. Should you take a short trip to clear your head? Or should you jot down your worries? Chances are, you’ll do neither. You prefer to push through pain, but it might behoove you more to chat it out with a neighbor or sibling you trust.

Libra Season brings more action at work. This might be when you’re finally recognized for all the hard work you put in, but you might also be obsessively yearning for recognition. The Libra new moon could help you actualize this recognition.

Starting Sept. 29, Venus in Libra makes you more tactful and harmonious at the office. Rather than bossing everyone around and demanding that they all respect you, you’re more inclined to commed others for their efforts. This flattery gets you everywhere.

Aquarius ♒

Approach Venus in Virgo as you would a radioactive spider. On the one hand, it could give you super strength; on the other hand, it could cause a severe crisis, the likes of which would require other people’s money to sort out. If only you had an Uncle Ben to give you a big fat inheritance.

The Pisces Full Moon shines bright light on your resources. If you’ve been overspending or even doubting yourself, you won’t be able to avoid it any longer. Good thing too, sometimes we can be our own worst enemy.

Libra Season has you aching for a travel or study buddy. You’re also so inspired by life and other cultures that all you want to do is write. If you do decide to book a trip, Mercury Retrograde will cause several reschedules. And if writing, it’s best not to start a new project. Instead, revise your novel. You know the one about a ghost carnival or something.

Starting Sept. 29, Venus in Libra could see you contemplating marriage, but it could also have you gaga over some grad school or ayahuasca retreat overseas. Either way, idealism is high heading into October.

Pisces ♓

Partnerships–esp. romantic ones–are almost always on your mind (are you an Enneagram 4?), but they are particularly fascinating thanks to Venus in Virgo. Someone may aks you out on a date, or you might get flirty with one of your classmates. Either way, there’s an opportunity to manifest a soulmate…

The Full Moon in your sign dials up your emotions even higher than usual. Do as Madonna instructed back in 1989 and express yourself!

Libra season sees you embracing your passions and aiming to make it happen (trademark Flashdance). What it is, depends on you who and what your passions are. Oh, but Mercury may make such an intimate self-exploration more challenging.

When Venus enters Libra on the 29th, you fall in love with the witch aesthetic. It’s true! You’ll be lusting after The Craft and Halloweentown, and Pinteresting Halloween costumes way before Target puts out the Halloween decor. Although, it might already be out, because Target does like to do things before everyone else…