Psychosis (a poem by Sam Cottle)
Steady state of my psychosis, or what they call psychosis;
I lean into inebriation again and find there my words, my
Poetry; some would like to assert that facility of the mind,
The imagination, is tantamount to madness; either that or
The greater likelihood that mental health services have in
My case arbitrarily diagnosing psychosis while divesting
Me of my basic rights; I’ve become a thought criminal in
Twenty-first century Britain — and they’ll happily drag me
Away and lock me up for weeks on end while they torture
Me with dangerous pharmaceuticals. And the drugs they
Give rob me of my poetry, my ability with words; I need
To take alcohol or cannabis to counteract the effects of the
Medication; I’m high now, while writing this; this brief
And placid spell of what is rightly the medicinal use of
The cannabis plant now allows me some sunny window
Of good mental health in which to write this; then comes
The reign of fear; the fear that if I don’t take their drugs
I’ll be locked up again; and it’s always with this implied
Threat they proceed; and the baby-talk I can’t stand, the
Snide and slimy doubletalk, the evasions, platitudes, the
Seemingly unending cycle of admission and readmission;
And I’ll endlessly insist I suffer from comorbid PTSD,
OCD, anxiety (which they eventually diagnosed, and
Which I accept!), and the personality traits of Asperger’s
Syndrome; while they insist on psychosis and the oddly
1950s-sounding schizoaffective disorder (of the bipolar
Variety; they’ve likely diagnosed bipolar disorder (also
Thought to be aided by cannabis and psilocybin therapy;
But nonetheless disregarded; they’re incredibly keen to
Diagnose delusion because of the accusations I’ve been
Making about certain ‘former’ police officers and their
Behaviour at the UEA in 2014; accusation that I stand by
Whether I’m drunk, high on weed, or hopped up on their
Antipsychotics, and accusations I don’t intend to withdraw
Any time soon; I could as easily make the case that weed
And booze are themselves antipsychotics, or compounds
That may stifle mania; which they openly conflate with
Psychosis; and which is undeniably true in both cases of
Course (if you drink too much, you’ll pass out: mania in
This case is clearly stifled; likewise, if you’re high you’ll
Enter a very lethargic condition which is somewhat the
Exact opposite, in my opinion, of mania; if you’ve ever
Been in the presence of a couch-bound stoner, you’ll see
Easily what I mean; but that’s mental health, and; as it is;
I do have very serious mental health problems, I have both
Forms of PTSD, and I have OCD; at the same time(!); and
These illnesses cause me deep distress; I suffer OCD due to
Sexual abuse as a young teenager by my mother’s boyfriend;
He unleashed a campaign of sexual harassment in the home
Where he was referring to me, to my face, as a ‘thing’ and
So-called ‘homotolidtide’ (his own bleak invention), he was
Also sympathetic with Jimmy Savile and Gary Glitter, he’d
Also several time visited Thailand (for purely non-sexual
Reasons, I’m certain), and this creep persisted in living with
Us for about a decade. It was intolerable. Then there was the
Parochial homophobia of my father and his never-ending
Cycle of addiction to alcohol; he’s never missed a day down
The pub, such that you could practically time your clock to
His five o’clock drinking time; and he would drink to get
Drunk every single day, and would be unpleasant; he would
Also be abusive at times. My mother, on the other hand, was
Pushy, cold, distant, concerned more with television and the
Internet and just doing basically nothing all day, while the
Rest of us sat around wondering how the situation could hope
To continue. She was authoritative and yet lacked a basis for
Any authority, she was more like Rob’s captive than an agent
In her own right; the family is all very keen to tout the line of
Psychosis and imagine that the abuse is all in my mind, and
That I’m making things up for some reason. They also try to
Get me locked up and tortured by these thought-policing NHS
Scum as often as humanly possible. My right to think and to
Say as I please about events of the past has been infringed
Upon, of course; as has my right not to be falsely imprisoned;
I.e. kidnapped by the NHS (and yes, South American juntas
And so on spring to mind); my right to a fair trial, also; my
Rights to privacy and personal and family life; I am spied on
I am fairly certain, by the police I suspect. I suspect there had
Been an attempt on my life at the UEA, motivated by some
Person’s desire to annex an inheritance; likely Nicola Lewis;
And this has given me PTSD; I was also spiked again with
A sort of hallucinogenic powder; it could have been PCP; a
Lot of acronyms and chemical names in this, and a lot of new-
Fangled suggestions in psychiatry; but I have taken enough
Drugs to know what is a hallucination and what isn’t; and I
Do not need doctors to try and inform me that I’m irrational
If I have a tighter grasp on the understanding of that term than
They do; likewise, I have a richer understanding of what the
Terms ‘empirical’ and ‘evidence’ pertain to; they respond in
Condescending platitudes and behave bureaucratically so as
To mask the corrupt and abusive proxy that they actually are;
I hoped to expose all this and have something done about it;
The banality of evil prevails, and the better-connected do also.
