Obligatory New Year’s Post?

I'm obsessed with New. The future. The change it brings with itself. With the unknown, comes endless possibilities. I somewhat derive my thrill from everything that is new. (Partly the reason why I don't like repeating stuff.)
I really like the idea of Unlived. Of Not-talked-about. I look forward to doing everything that I've not yet done. I think I've partially spent my life looking for something that no one has ever yet done, so that I could do it. And live the unlived.
 
Its weird how obsession works. How it makes us believe that its mere Preoccupation. But it is more. It is more a haunting than just engrossment.

I'm haunted by Change and so I'm fixated. On the idea that If I constantly think about the future, about how it is going to be, maybe I'll be accustomed to its ways. If I mind-map everything before it happens, it won't haunt when it comes. 
So that I can change it. Make it different from however it had been. Different from the past. So that I'm not brought back to how it used to be again. Whatever it was that it used to be. Of how it smelled at night the time mom planted that flower outside my bedroom window. I used to hate it. I over watered it so it would just die.

But in reality, Maybe I want it to be different because somewhere down the line I've given up on the idea of having back my how-it-used-to-be. Maybe it became too painful to even think about it. To keep on wishing for something like that to happen. To want my past to conflux with future. To want every part of it back. Not just the plant. But that reason I used to give to hate it. Bring back those nights when it was the weird odour that kept me awake. And not these thoughts, or movies, or assignments, or even books.

So I wonder if it is really the future I'm obsessed with or the past. With the renewal of gone. With this new year to be how it was back then. When I couldn't sleep with light on my face so I'd shut every curtain; but was too afraid of the blinding dark so I'd let one of them open, through which peeked the exact amount of moonlight I relished.