A letter to the man I often think about,
When you cross my mind, chills run down my spine and then spread to every inch of my body. The flashbacks start, and they play over and over again, and I can’t escape them. Just like I couldn’t escape you. Breathing becomes harder and it feels as though my chest may explode at any moment. My head starts to spin and I can no longer think straight. You consume my whole body, but you’re used to it right?
You are a part of me, although you do not deserve to be. You wiggled your way into my life, just like you did my bed, and forever left an imprint on me. You have power over me, something you feed off, and you do not deserve that either. I would like to say you made me who I am today; closed off, emotionless, and cold hearted. And why I continue to let you control my thoughts and emotions is something I’ll never understand.
Writing this right now is taking everything in me. To be honest, I’m not even sure if I’m ready to tell the world the impact you’ve had on me. I’ve only ever shared my story with some family and a few close friends, and even then it was so hard to open up to them. Now I’m telling the whole internet. But I’ve learned to use my voice, unlike back then. And I’ve learned to stand up for myself, also unlike back then. And maybe, just maybe, my traumatic experience will help/save one girl from going through it too.
I remember the nights so vividly, do you? Probably not, who knows how many other girls you have done this to. How many other girls could I have saved? The only things I don’t remember are the minor details, like the date, time, or even how old I was. You probably don’t either, you probably don’t even remember my name. I was sleeping when you entered my room, but that didn’t seem to bother you. The audacity you had to wake me in my sleep by pulling down my pants and covering my mouth. And then you did it. Do you remember what you did? I sure do, the memories play in my head like a video, over and over again. You didn’t only do it one night, but four. Four nights I lied there too scared to move or make a sound. You didn’t even seem to mind that my sister was asleep on the bunk above us. You didn’t seem to mind that I was not okay with this. You didn’t seem to mind that I probably wasn’t even 10 years old yet. You didn’t even seem to mind that this would haunt me for the rest of my life.
If I could go back in time, I would have screamed and fought back. I would have told my mom sooner. I would have made you pay for all the harm and tears you caused me. I will never forgive you; you are so undeserving of it. But I have learned to forgive myself. I no longer blame myself for lying there helplessly. I no longer blame myself for not saying anything. I was scared. And fear is one hell of a motivation.
I just want you to know, that I am okay now. And I will be okay in the future. I want you to know that I’m working on not letting you ever have the kind of control over me that you did again. Wherever you may be in this world, I just want you to know that I am doing just fine, and that I think about you often.
Do you think about me too?
Probably not the only girl you’ve raped.