He’s smiling. Looks eager to meet the girl his friends told him about. Comes straight up to me and introduces himself before I even look up. So begins the most uncomfortable 2 hours of my week.

He starts by telling me he likes to party. He keeps referencing 114 days with no explanation. And he’s staring through me! The whole time. We’re at a bar with our friends and he’s staring at my face. *I appreciate an attentive conversationalist as much as the next girl, but CREEPY is a more accurate description* So, he likes to party. Who doesn’t, right? So I ask, “What do you like to do?” He replied “I do coke. I’m a big coke head. I ruin lives with coke. You want some?” 😮 What the….! I sip my drink.

I’ve only known this man about 10 minutes.

You know when someone wants to talk about something but they dance around it? That’s the 114 days. After the coke offer, I used the 114 days to change the subject. BIG MISTAKE! He had just got out of lockup. It’s been 114 days since he’s been with a woman.. and he specifically said “since I’ve been with a WOMAN” Umm….

At this point, I find a reason to leave. Any reason, let’s be honest. I chug the rest of my drink and flee the scene.

I still wanted to chill with MY friends so when I’m done with my impromptu errand at 1 am I call my friend and meet her at her boyfriends house. Except.. Creepy Jailbird is there! Yea.. the bitch set me up.

So we’re sitting there. Four people, a bunch of beer, some liquor, a pocket full of coke. Awkward doesn’t even cover it. But.. it gets better. It always does.

Four people, talking, laughing, watching video clips of drunk Paul Masson shooting commercials. It’s a good time until Creepy Jailbird starts critiquing my appearance in real time. “Wow, you have nice eyes. When was the last time you got your eyebrows done? Have you thought about getting a facial? It’d be good for your skin. Oh wow, I just noticed the flesh colored mole on your nose. It looks like a pimple, you should get rid of it.” Now, I interrupt with “What the hell.. where did you come from?” Silence. Nobody even breaths for 30 seconds until.. “You got big ass thighs. I like em but DAMN. You got a white girl booty though. That sucks. Your thighs take away from your ass but atleast you’re a fat girl with a thigh gap.” My response, “I know you didn’t just call me fat.” Him- “Your not fat, just really thick”

Silence, again.

My composure is crumbling. My friend sees this and offers distraction but I’m really about to throat punch this fool. The final straw came when he looked down my shirt and said “Yea, you got Mom boobs. You should do something about that, they’re kinda loose.” “Alright guys, I’m out. I’ll call you tomorrow. Bye” I’m almost to my car when this abomination grabs me, turns me around, and starts telling me what a great night he had with me. He can’t wait to see me again. Can he get a kiss, oh and I forgot to give him my number. “I didn’t forget shit.” I was pulling out of the driveway before he pulled his ass off my bumper.

I’m newly single and my only thought..

IS THIS REAL LIFE?! This guy can’t be serious.