Why, Reality?

I used to only read fiction. I found it enjoyable. I like a good story. Also, I also wanted to be “cultured.” I read the contemporary age appropriate crazes of my time and I also sought out great literary classics. Though I always thirsted for understanding, leisurely nonfiction reading was not something I fully appreciated until after college.

Currently I have the have the privilege of doing a lot of nonfiction reading in grad school. Over the course of the program, and in conjunction with depressing recent current events, reading has transformed from a hobby into an act of survival. And it’s exhausting.

I didn’t realize until recently that I appreciated the escape that reading offered — but that doesn’t exist in nonfiction. See, I’m Black and I’m writing a thesis arguing that today’s prison industrial complex economy, spurred by the disparate impact of the war on drugs in minority communities, is a continuation of the system of exploitation that used primarily Black labor to fuel the agricultural economy during slavery, blah blah, etc etc… Sorry, did I say all of that? What I meant to say was: See, I’m Human. And Reality is really bumming me out.

Reading was refuge. And yes, I still believe that knowledge is power and reading will set us free! However, now when I close the book the distinction between the words on the page and my experiences in the world have blurred into one in the same.

I distinctly remember an exchange with my uncle when I was in high school where he shared with no hesitation or shame that he used CliffNotes in high school and thought fiction a waste of time. Being a bibliophile I was aghast and at the time I did not understand his relationship with that variety of the written word. Perhaps it’s no coincidence that my uncle happens to be one of the angriest black men I know. Perhaps the return to reality was too jarring.

Don’t misunderstand me — I mean no disrespect in calling him an angry black man. He is. He is well versed in American history and law and acutely aware of current societal conditions. He is an able-bodied Black male; by simply existing he fits the profile of the ‘criminal’/‘villain’ that America has constructed to be the primary antagonist in nearly every chapter of its history thus far. He’s lived through lots of progress, sure; but let’s not kid ourselves, he has been a victim of and witness to lots of bullshit.

Reckoning with reality is scarring. I can’t say I was ever truly oblivious to racial conditions but that now I’m hyperaware it continually aches instead of intermittently coming in sharp blows. Do I mind? Sure, I mind that reality is currently not on par with an ideality of social justice. Do I mind that I have ‘taken the red pill’ and entered the matrix? No.

Fiction has the power to make swallowing the truth a less bitter pill but it also has the redemptive ability of forecasting a darker future so we can make corrections. I believe that America is suffering the effects of discovering its history to have been told in an overwhelmingly palatable and congratulatory fashion rather than being informative. I am not the only person to find the true narrative painful, however, it is necessary that we persist in the quest of knowledge and commit ourselves to the goal of healing rather than hating.

I need this country, this world, to be a more just place. I do not need it to be more political, unless it governs compassionately; I do not need it be more religious, unless it professes love. In fact, I could deal with a little less of both politics and religion these days; instead of being tools of morality both are being weaponized as instruments of intolerance attempting to erase positions of understanding by pitting constructed archetypes against the ‘other.’

What I need is for all of us, everyone, to inhabit a world free of hate. Is that a realistic vision or utopic? Call me naïve but I want them to become synonyms.

Reality, please allow me to introduce you to my dearest old friend, Fiction. You are both inventive — collaborating could create happier endings for both of your future chapters.