Postnupt

Jeff: So listen. She really wants Garlic.

Gerald: You want a drink?

J: No, I’m good.

G: Okay, I’m just gonna grab one real quick.

Sure. But Gerald, we really need to respond and finalize these terms here. It’s been two weeks.

I know, and we are. We are, I promise. We’re doing it right now. Look, what does she want?

Garlic.

Garlic? You sure?

Yes.

Seems like a bit much. I mean talk about a ubiquitous seasoning. Garlic is a seasoning right?

I believe so.

Seriously, what cuisine doesn’t use Garlic.

Another great observation.

Well it doesn’t matter. Cause she can have it.

Really?

Yeah, she used to eat those cloves raw. Absolutely disgusting. But she earned it. I’ll tell ya what though, I’m drawing the line at Coriander. Coriander is a hard deal breaker for me. Write that down.

Funny, but just to be sure. We’re okay giving her Garlic?

Jeff, it’s hers. Next item.

Okay, great. Next up, Octopuses. Octopi? She wants Octopi.

Really?

Yeah, she loves Octopi.

Okay, well first of all it’s Octopuses. And I know she loves Octopuses. I’m just surprised she requested them is all.

I’m pretty sure you can use either. But what did you expect then? She loves Octopuses. She wants Octopuses. What’s the big deal?

Are you asking me what the “big deal” is with having to give up my fondness and affection for the planet’s second smartest animal?

Here we go.

Octopuses are for everyone. What if I go to the aquarium? What, I’m just supposed to ignore 200 million years of evolutionary wonder?

Yes. Exactly. You ignore it. That’s how this works. (He set his papers down.) I had a woman last month, dentist for twenty-two years. Her husband gets one of those fake diamond grillz just before they split — and we’re talking like two weeks before, maybe ten days. Well they split, and not only does he keep the grillz —

He kept the grillz?

Yeah, I know. He kept the grillz. (The story continued.) Not only does he keep the grillz, but on top of that, he takes all Precious Metals Inside of Mouths. And just like that she can’t do root canals anymore. But you know what, those are the rules. That’s what we sign up for when we get ourselves into these messes.

She lost Root Canals over that?

Yeah.

Feels like that was more of an issue with her lawyer than anything, but either way. Can you try to push back? Maybe clarify with her people.

Fine. I’ll clarify, even though I’m literally staring at the words on the paper right now. But honestly, this whole thing will go miles smoother if we’re all willing to budge a little.

Budge? Who’s not budging? I’m a budger. I’ll budge.

Alright, alright. I’ll see what I can do. Maybe you guys can timeshare them.

Gerald stood up and ran his fingers through his hair. He tried to remember why he was here, while fighting to forget how. In eleven months she had come and gone and how quickly she had changed everything for him. Gerald went back to the kitchen to refill the thin glass of water. He took a sip, then sat back down and made himself comfortable on his side of the thick, German dining room table of his 42nd story Gold Coast apartment; his lawyer, and friend, seated directly opposite.

J: Alright, considering how Octopi went, this one might be rough.

G: Lay it on me.

She rejected your request for Sports, specifically Baseball.

Well, we knew Sports was a bargaining play but Baseball? No way. She never watched any of those games. I grew up with season tickets. I’m keeping Baseball.

She cited it as being unnecessarily vague and ambiguous.

Baseball? She called Baseball vague and ambiguous? So what was her request for Pickled Goods then?

I assume she meant anything fermented or soaked in vinegar.

Well Baseball is my soaked in vinegar. Besides, I don’t know any of her friends who watch Baseball. She won’t miss it anyways.

Gerald, you are either helping or you’re hurting. Are we trying to move forward here?

I’m moving forward. But she’s not getting fucking Baseball. I loved that sport way before I ever loved her and she’s not taking it from me.

Listen, her team makes a valid point here. A lot of people like Baseball. And it’s September and with playoffs coming up it’s gonna impede on her resocialization.

Go join a book club. There’s your resocialization.

Try to be serious.

This is Baseball. I am serious.

She said she’s gonna need it for future suitors.

You mean future boyfriends. People to watch games with, eat hot dogs, share a blanket in the stands.

Yes, that’s generally what people do at baseball games.

Well fuck that. She’s crazier than I thought if she thinks I’m gonna help her find someone else.

Gerald —

So she can trap some other idiot and ruin that poor schmuck’s life.

Gerald, listen —

Maybe I’ll just give her the keys to the apartment in case she wants to come back and fuck ’em in my bed too!

Jesus with the drama! Yes, she is going to be with other people. And yes, she’ll probably fuck them too.

Fuck you.

Fine get worked up. If that means you’ll drop this mopey, woe-is-me routine. You’re looking at the ground! And you’ve got this Lifetime Special idea of what —

It’s fucking hard! Okay? Having someone waltz into your life, and just start touching shit and shaking everything up. And then just leave?! Who the fuck does that?

People do that. Listen, I know it’s hard. It’s hard, but it does stop. At some point. You just have to give yourself permission to take the fall. It’s much worse if you don’t, I promise you that.

Gerald had nothing left and so he said nothing else. Jeff looked back down to his papers, also silent. Eventually Gerald resumed motor functions. He picked up his glass of water and since there wasn’t much left, he took a small swig. Unwilling to walk to the sink, he decided to ration his sips and make the half-empty glass last.

G: Let’s come back to it.

J: Gerald —

Let me think about it okay? We’ll come back to it, I promise.

Alright. We’ll come back to it.

What else..

Well, maybe some good news. She’s not putting up a fight with Poland or Polish People.

Did I ask for Poland..

She’s even giving you everyone and everything Eastern European. Not including Croatia though; she’s planning a trip there with her coworkers end of summer. They’re going to Hvar, supposed to be beautiful.

I didn’t ask for Poland. Doesn’t seem like she’s really giving a whole lot up on that one.

Said she’s been planning this trip since before the confrontation. And man, I was looking up some pictures of the place. Those beaches are absolute scenes.

Jeff, I didn’t ask for Poland. Why are we talking about this..

Oh, sorry. Umm, well apparently during that confrontation you said something along the lines of “It’s a good thing you’re leaving before my cousin’s wedding. That’s one less przyjęcie you’ll have to fake fun at.”

That wasn’t a request for Poland..

Well, she’s giving it to you.

Great. But that’s not exactly a concession on her part. Am I crazy or does it feel like she’s not working with me on any of this?

She is.

Where’s her compromise? What is she willing to give up?

She’s got a few things listed here.

Just feels like I’m going through this whole thing alone.

You’re not.

How is she so unaffected by this?

She’s giving up Ass Play.

What?

She put it down right here. Ass Play. No more Ass Play. With other guys. The language does leave room for Ass Play with non-cisgender males but I didn’t really think you would have an issue with that. Figured any toxic masculinity would really boil down to jealousy with other similar cisgenders.

She’s cis too.

Yeah, I know but I think at this time she’s probably just keeping all of her options open. You know, which is smart. Maybe something that would be a little healthy for you to consider as well? Just, why not? Anything to help you move along and get this whole operation back up and running again.

Uh yeah can we table that? Um, wait I’m sorry. Is this about my Ass Play or her Ass Play?

Oh, that’s a good point. I didn’t even really think about that. I kinda assumed we were talking about her… Ass Play.

Yeah, well.. I mean probably. But you know.. well, never mind I guess —

I can go back to her people and clarify if you —

No, no, it’s fine. I think I kinda know what she’s talking about now.

You sure? Cause if we’re not clear we really should —

Yeah no I think I’m good. And actually, the more I think about it the more I’m thinking it might not even matter.

Yeah, this feels like this is more about the gesture here than anything.

Right. The gesture.

Right.

Okay, cool. So, well that’s sweet of her. Um, well. Are we good then?

Yeah, definitely I think we’re good here. So I’ll look to draft up some of these changes, get them out to her hopefully end of week and probably expect to hear back from her people say, Wednesday. Friday latest.

Great, and so that’s effectively when all of this stuff goes through then? Friday?

Yeah, latest. This all should be finalized with the concessions and requests set in stone. And then you can start building out again, exploring new things. Liking new things.

Jeff noticed a slight swelling in Gerald’s eyes. He took off his glasses and set them down on the thick, German dining room table. He looked back at Gerald.

J: Look, it’s much easier than it sounds. Trust me. You go to a few bookstores, take a few classes, watch some new TV. You’ll find something to fill all of this in. Before you know it, you wake up and you’ve got a new life again.

G: Yeah. You’re probably right, but still.

I know. But still it’s hard. The good news is time really does fly. And sooner or later you’ll be able to see the truth in whatever this is, whatever this was.

Jeff collected the rest of the papers from the table and headed towards the door; Gerald a few paces behind him. They slapped hands, bumped fists, and said their goodbyes. In the blank space of his lone apartment, Gerald realized he was hungry and then wandered into the kitchen.

There were only a few tablespoons of olive oil left in his vase and so he emptied it into a medium sized pan before the skillet got too hot. He grabbed his knife and his wooden cutting board and began to mince three freshly peeled cloves of Garlic, while he still could.