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Hi Jackie. There are some great images here. I love the idea of the 'broken chime’: this works on many levels. If I can make just the one suggestion, and that is over your use of rhyme. I can see that you want to assert a rhyme scheme on this poem and I think that’s great as working inside a form can be very powerful. The only thing I’d suggest is that you stick to one scheme, such as abab, cdcd, efef, gg (which as you know is the Shakespearean sonnet form). The reason this works is that the rhyme doesn’t jump out at you in the way it might if the rhyme is irregular. I always think that good rhyme doesn’t draw attention to itself. Hope this helps.

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