This story is unavailable.

Hi Sean. Like the others I agree that this is very evocative. I can feel myself in these moments and also sense how hard they were for you. I agree with Patrick regarding revising to really tighten this up. For me, powerful poetry says a lot in only a few words: it’s the purest form of language in that sense.

And, like Patrick I’ve taken the liberty of choosing one line to try and illustrate my point: I hope you don’t mind!

the line ‘the annual smell of cut grass dampened by August’s morning dew.’ works well and does bring up memories we’ve all had: but I wonder whether a slight revision might make it more powerful:

'The yearly touch of August’s dew-moist grass’. This scans a little better and there’s a rhythm caused by the iambs, and the sibilant hiss links into the watery nature of the dew (okay, pushing it a bit there).

The only other thing is the repetition of 'within’. That’s stands out to me a bit.

But in general I really like this.