First of all I agree that this was a challenge to do! It’s good to be taken out of our comfort zone so thanks to K.E. for that. I like the rawness of this and the strong sense of the natural world and your reaction to it. And, as in many initial drafts I think it would benefit from some pruning. If I can give you an example of a really useful process to hone every phrase until it really communicates what you wish to say.
I am from the magnificent sun
that shatter eyes, a blink from wild fun
with passions that run
‘till infinity and beyond
You can take the first phrase about the sun and condense it perhaps:
I am from the eye-shattering sun,
In this way you take the essence of what you want to say and use fewer words.
The next line could be treated in the same way. I’m not adding anything here, just moving some words around and getting rid of some:
A wild blink of passion running / beyond the infinite
You also get quite a nice rhyme with sun and running.
As I said, it’s important here that I’m not actually adding anything in: I’m taking the raw material and reshaping it, as an artist might an oil painting.