The Absurdist

This is another story i wrote years ago. Touched it up a little but basically is what i wrote all those years ago. Love can be a horrible chemical imbalance in our lives sometimes. Love and the stubbornness of wanting love can lead a person to fall apart.

It was a sunny day. A fine day. A great day for golf.

Greg, a young Pakeha Lad in his late twenties was playing a round with is good friend Albert, a slightly older and much larger Polynesian

They had a box of beers between them.

-You know the good thing about playing golf when your drunk Albert

-What’s that bro

-Even though I suck, every time I play a bad shot, I can just blame the beers.

-Blame the beers…, albert chanted, -Yer bro I know what you mean. I use that excuse at work too.


-Never mind.

They carried on. Greg T’d off on the forth. He Gracefully sliced the ball so that it swung hard to left and landed far off the fairway. Albert shook his head. -Consume my friend.

-Damn it, had a few too many I reckon.

-You can blame the beers bro. The problem is your playing with me. And I know you too well my bro. Its not the beers, you just plain Suck, haha.

Greg laughed too, he had to agree, he did suck today. But he had things on his mind. Work things. Money things and most of all, Woman things.

Albert sensed something was wrong with his friend too, but carried on, just enjoying the sun, the beer and the bad golf.

The two friends carried on like this for a few holes. Drinking, slicing and mocking each other, till they came to the 9th hole, there Albert tried to get his friend to open up.

-You know bro, the reason I asked you to golf today

-what do you mean?

-i sense a great sadness I do, he said.

Greg shrugged -life is good.

- is it?

-of course, and i’m drunk.

-so am I, so I guess your right.

-But how’s thigs with Linda? Asked albert, moving the conversation to what he thought the problem was.

Greg shrugged again and replied -Linda’s Linda.

-Bro. she got drunk the other night and beat up Lenard.

-Yeah… she has a temper… almost everyday.

- yeah i’ve noticed bro.

- its like a constant… that time of the month thing.

Albert just looks at Greg and shakes his head, he understands his friends pain.

They get to the next T and Greg steps up first. He lines up the ball, swings his hips, shakes his rump. Breaths. He wants to crack this one. He looks at the ball, concentrates. An image of linda comes to mind. Then takes a wild and almighty swing nailing the ball square into another tremendous slice. The ball flys off into its usual ark only this time something is different. As Greg watches it fly skyward he sees something else spinning off into the distance. -Fuck! Fuck me, I nailed that fucker, he yells. Greg turned to Albert -did you see that? Albert looks at Greg with concerned furrowed eyes. –yer bro but ah… he nods towards Gregs shoulder. -your missing an arm bro. Greg looks at his shoulder and his bright smiley face molds into concern like alberts, His arm was definitely gone.

–Daaaaamn, was all that greg could think to say as he reached over with his other arm carefully rubbing the smooth skin where the now severed arm once was.

-that’s ah… not a good thing… that’s pretty weird bro? and Albert was right, it was weird. Instead of protruding bone, dangling veins, blood and torn skin. Which is what you’d expect when an arm is severed from a body. There was only a smooth surface of new skin as though the arm had never existed. It was as though Greg was made from plasticine or wet clay and someone had taken some cutting wire and made a clean cut, severing gregs arm from his body leaving nothing but a smooth surface.

The boys walk over to gregs arm. It lay on the ground still clutching the club but quite still. It looked like an arm would if it had no body. Where the join was where the arm would be connected to the shoulder there is more smooth skin. The boys stare down at it for a while both not quite sure what to do. Finally, Greg leans down and picks it up by the forearm. -It feels… alive, it’s like I can feel it and it feels me… or I feel it… what it feels, kinda, sorta. Albert has a feel -can you feel that?

-sort of… I don’t really know.

-do you wanna try put it back on?

-ummm yer I guess so… can you give me a hand?

Albert carefully takes the arm and puts the two severed but cleanly cut sides together, he holds it there for a while but nothing seems to happen. -how does it feel?

Greg shakes his head.

-It fits perfect bro it just won’t stay on. Albert takes his hands away and the arm simply falls to the ground, -sorry man.

-no worries Albert, Greg picks up his Arm.

-now what?

Greg looks at his arm with a face like sad pug, -lets just go home ah

-Linda’s not gonna be happy bro.


The two walk off with solemn faces.

Back at home the three of them sit around the Table in the Kitchen. The arm is in the middle of the table with Greg and Albert staring intently at it and Linda smoking a cigarette staring off into space.

-that was my favorite arm Greg.

-I know I’m sorry.

-Well. What were you doing?

-We were playing golf.

Albert had always thought linda had dark but soft features and to look at her you would think of her as nice. But to know linda you might think differently. Linda spoke precisely and calmly. “Calm” thought Albert, calm like a bomb.

-How do you lose an arm playing golf.

-I dunno, it just fell off.

-well… what are you gonna do. Linda’s tone of voice was condescending and she makes no attempt to hide her contempt.

-We could go see Dr. wang? suggests Albert.

Linda looks at Albert with cruel eyes. -Doctor wang…? Doctor wang prescribes pills for holidays. He’s a nut.

-He’s got a degree

-He got a degree from whatever backward asian country that he came from. He’s an alcoholic and a shyster

He’s cheap, replies Greg.

Your cheap, counters Lynda.

Greg looks at Albert –lets go bro.

-wait!! Linda’s firm voice cuts through the air. –before you go, remember you have to be here at four to help me with the new chair that’s arriving? One arm or two arms I need you to take five minutes out of your day to help me. Ok?

Doctor Wang sits at his desk with the arm laying in front of him. Greg and albert sit in front of doctor Wangs desk looking at doctor Wang… waiting. The good doctor picks up Gregs arm, he checks its pulse, turns it round inspecting it, he feels its muscles and bends the fingers. He sniffs at the point of separation. Then he puts the arm down and eyes Greg. –You. You been wanking to much eh? Jacking off!

Greg shakes his head.

Doctor Wang inspects the arm again. -You feel this? He taps the elbow of the arm with a surgical hammer, Greg flinches and reaches for his elbow, which of course isn’t there.

-hmmmm, interesting. It has pulse too. He smells it again. –And B.O. but why it fall off I don’t know. I think you wank too much. I meet your woman once, at Alberts house, at bbq, he nods at albert. –She don’t look like satisfied woman!

Greg looks impatiently at Wang then says — look doc, it’s not wanking! Please stop going on about wanking. No one’s arm falls off from wanking. And its got nothing to do with Lynda, Please…

-Which arm you wank with?

-This… that one.

-HA!! says doctor Wang with conviction. You answer me straight away which arm you wank with. You wank too much boy and look what happen.

Greg just sits there with sad eyes looking perplexingly at his arm. — I don’t know why my arm fell off, I just want it back on, can you fix it?

-Fix it?! I don’t know, hold on. He picks up the arm and goes over to Greg. –Take your shirt off, stupid white man. Greg takes off his shirt and doctor Wang goes about trying to situate the arm onto the shoulder. He presses the arm hard against Gregs shoulder then lets go. The arm falls to the floor with a thud. Doctor Wang picks up the arm and smacks Greg across the head with it.


-shut up white man, shut up and push against arm when I push… OK!


They try again, the doctor carefully places the arm connection against the shoulder, –now push! Greg pushes against the arm as doctor Wang pushes back harder… -ooooooooo K! they stop and instantly the arm falls to the floor.

Greg and doctor look at the arm. Greg looks at doctor Wang with his eyebrows raised. Doctor Wang says.- ok no problem, I have solution, but first..! Greg and albert look at doctor Wang.

-Put your money on the table! Fifty dollar!

Outside the doctors Greg and albert stand next to the car. Albert stands beside Greg with his arm around Greg in consolation mode.

-Its ok buddy… it looks good, it does.

Greg looks like a shell shocked soldier, staring at the arm swinging like a hung piece of meat against his body. Held to his shoulder by doctor Wangs fifty dollar sling job.

-It looks freakish, like that. It looks fake.

-It’ll do for now bro. Maybe Linda was right. Maybe doctor Wang is no good. But for now. It’ll do.

Greg nods his head in lame agreement.

-now lets go bro, we gotta get back and help ya missus ah?

They head off

When they arrive back at Gregs the moving people are on their way out.

-Ooohhh no. Greg makes a face. –If she says anything I might flip Albert.

-Don’t worrie bro. she can’t get angry with you. Your arm fell off. That’d be wrong.

But as they approach the doorway to his house, Linda comes rushing out in a furry.

-You useless bastard! She rips Gregs arm out of the sling and starts waking him with it. I only needed you today for 5 minutes.(WACK) FIVE MINUTES!! (WACK) And you can’t even give me that. (WACK). Your PATHETIC (WACK WACK WACK), she screams at him, slaps him across the face one more time, then storms off leaving a trail of burning air. Greg stands there. Teary eyed. Albert is leaning hard up against the house, half hidden by a pot shrub, chanting -don’t look into its eyes, don’t look into its eyes. A look of terror on his face. The attack was short but vicious. He watches the demon squeal tires up the drive, then comes out from behind the shrub and pokes Greg in the shoulder. Greg looks at Albert — you right?

-Just checking bro, thought you might’ve turned to stone… you alright buddy?

My wife just beat me with my own arm… but ill be ok, he plods inside. Albert watches him go. He felt sorry for Greg, he really did. He pitied him. Life with a woman like Linda could only be hard.

Greg went into the lounge. The new chair was there. It looked inviting so Greg took sanctuary in it. He lay the arm on the coffee table in front of him and eyed it for a long time. He felt his eyes get heavy and so he retreated into sleep and started dreaming.

In his dream he was sitting in a comfortable velvet chair but yet he felt uncomfortable. He turned about in the chair changing his position but no matter what he did with his posture or position he felt uncomfortable. He felt agitated and itchy. He decided to get up but found he couldn’t, he felt a great weight holding him down. And all the while he felt uncomforted and irritable. He looked down at the table where his arm had been resting, weirdly thinking that he could somehow use it to pull himself off the chair. But his arm had disappeared. He heard a noise and looked towards the door to see his hand disappearing from sight as the door closed. He tried to call out but his voice felt too heavy to leave his mouth and he rasped something unintelligible. He started pushing with all his might, using the arms of the chair for leverage, but it was as though he was tied by the waste. He pushed then sank down out of breath and as he did so he felt his breath breath past him, it had a strong smell and was warm and as he sank down he seemed to sink further than normal. In fact, he seemed to keep on sinking. He felt the cushion of the chair wrapping itself around him, pulling him inside as a cavity opened up behind him. The smell was getting worse and the cavity started to feel moist and warm, the chair had come alive and seemed to want to eat him. He tried to pull himself up but the chair kept sucking him in. Suddenly he saw his arm coming straight toward him flying through the air, it punched him in the face. He fell back and the chair sucked him in more, he tried to scream for help, but it was no use, his arm appeared again, slapping him and pushing him further inside the chair until he started to suffocate. The lips of the chair cavity started to pulsate and fluid was dripping and secreting all around him, he was choking and then all of a suddenly he managed to let out a yell and he yanked himself out of the chair and out of the dream.

He opened his eyes and jolted awake. He was breathing deeply trying to get his bearings on reality. When he had calmed down enough he got up off the chair and went to grab his arm. But the arm was not there, it really was gone. He searched round for it still feeling a little confused from the dream. He remembered the vision of it disappearing behind the door. He went out into the hallway. As he walked down toward the kitchen he stopped and listened, he could hear movement coming from his and Lindas bedroom. He went over to the door, cocked his head and listened. He could hear Linda in there, breathing deeply and moaning a bit. Moaning like she was… like SHE WAS…! Greg opened the door and charged in. There was Linda in bed, she looked up at Greg in surprise, she was sweaty and wide eyed.

-Opps was all she said.

Greg pulled the sheets off her. There was his arm… in between he thighs, his hand resting on her crotch –What the fuck!!

-I was bored, you were asleep.

-So you decided to fuck my arm!

-So what, i mean technically I’m fucking you… or a part of you at least.

-But it’s not me, it’s just my fucking arm, without me, without the rest of me, its fuck all.

-To be honest Greg when this arm has you attached to it… then its fuck all. This is more of you that I’ve had in a long time.

Greg stood silent for a few seconds then snatched his arm out from in between Lindas legs.

-Your a bitch Linda… and so is your mother…, then he left.

He got into his car and began to drive. He didn’t know where he was going, he just drove looking from the road to his arm, which sat innocently on the passenger seat. All he could do was drive to try stop himself from losing it. He drove around the hills of his hometown like an insane ant lost in its nest, until he came to a sign that said “LOOKOUT AHEAD” and with automatic response turned up the road. The road wound its way up the hill till it came to a cliff edge overlooking the great Pacific Ocean. Greg exited the car clutching his arm and went to the cliff edge. Tears started squirting out his eyes and down his face as he faced the sea and thought of all the madness that had been the last day. What could it all mean, why had his arm just magically fallen off? And since it had fallen off, his whole day had fallen apart. He thought of Linda. He loved her but he understood there was no love back. “ Its so hard to let something go that you love, even if its bad for you”, he thought

The breeze from the ocean washed his face with a revelation and he knew then what must be done. He looked at his hand one last time then looked out at the ocean expanse and hiffed his own limb into the air.

He watched the arm spin hand over shoulder, flying for a second time that day. It descended down, spinning all the way, then splashed into the sea below. It sunk then slowly surfaced, floating in some turbulence, then a wave picked it up and smashed it over the rocks. It was pulled back out in the surge then disappeared.

Greg breathed out a great sigh. He felt a sad relief. He looked out at the horizon watching the sun dip into the sea. He felt a strange tingling in his other arm. He looked at it just it came loose, slip out of his shirt sleeve and fell to the ground… he stood very still. Gazing manically at the arm on the ground.