almost gone

someone told me, if i really cared about you as much as i say i do, really cared about your happiness, i wouldn’t kill myself. that hurt a lot. i do care. i do. i do care. i just have to leave this world. i want to think that you’ll understand. i really hope you do.

i was so scared last night. i guess the wind has always scared me. every night i cut deeper and deeper now. i’m scared.

i’m nothing without you. nothing. it’s sad to say, but i can barely even complete any menial tasks. the sadness is too much. it hurts too much. i can’t take it anymore. i know i have to end it soon. and i will.

i just have one last request, and you will probably say no, but at some point i’m going to ask anyway, because it’s important to me. you’ll probably say no. it might not matter.

i remember every second so vividly. it hurts so much. so fucking much. i can’t take it. every night, i see you in my dreams. it hurts me. and then i hurt myself. god, i’m sorry. i know i need to get rid of that ever-present hope that you’ll want to go back. but i can’t.

in some ways, i think the fact that you went back on it the first time makes it hurt more now. i keep thinking you’ll say that you made a mistake, that things might hurt and things might be different but we can be together again. it’s so stupid of me. i don’t mean to say that i regret that short time when we were back together. i don’t. every second spent with you is the very essence of perfection. it was worth it.

i’m sorry that i have to go. it isn’t your fault. you’re a great person. i really hope you find happiness. after i’m dead, maybe there will be less pain. well, i hope.

i will love you till the end of time; i will love you from the grave.

two against the world.

till death do us part,

and ever after.

i’m sorry for everything.

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