on how things don’t make sense

i wish i had some definitive truth. although maybe that would hurt more. maybe i already do, and i’m just too afraid to acknowledge it.

just, nothing feels right anymore. and now, well, i’ve put those things behind me. the way i see it, the things you hated are the things i’ve now overcome. i feel like i’m a better person. i wish i could prove it to you, some day. it pains me to think that your last memory of me would be of my volatile and unreasonable behavior. all i ever wanted was to give you the best i possibly could. and now, well, now it feels like i could give you better.

you deserve so much happiness, so much joy.

i shouldn’t have apologized so much. i just, i felt responsible, i couldn’t stand to see my darling hurting, you know? i didn’t know what to do, i just wanted to help, i don’t know. i understand a great deal more about space, now.

i wish i could do things right. you made my life magic, and for that i will always be grateful.

it is my strong personal conviction that some day, maybe a long time from now, maybe not, well, some day, i feel like it would be worth trying. now of course, that’s just me.

just me.

i hope you’re doing well.

i love you.

i always will.

“and what motivates a man like you, starfighter? love? no, you’re too ‘stone cold’ for that…”

a chance is all i need, some day.

for now… well, i guess i’m gonna be smoking a lot.