starfighter and the infinite sadness

i’m really sorry for all the things i ever did, and all the things i will do. things are hurting really bad. all of the memories flood back like the immensely powerful waves which buffeted me last summer. i recall immediately that night, sitting on towels with my sister around midnight, the tides of a foreign sea just below. humid air clings to our skin, stars overhead obscured by palm fronds like the reckless strokes of a paintbrush. that night, sitting at the beach, she asked me if i thought i had ever been in love. i had no idea of that question’s significance when she said it. then, of course i hadn’t. perhaps i had been temporarily infatuated once or twice, but i had never once known the startling reality of true love. a simpler time.

it pains me to think about the things which i guess will never happen again. laughing together like we’re the only ones in the world, sitting in the companionable silence that comes only with time, staring into each others eyes as the desert wind whips our hair in every direction, being so close to one another that we’re all tangled up, making silly faces in the parking lot, feeling so overjoyed just to be with each other.

there’re a million more things that i won’t even name, a million more things that made life feel so perfect, a million more things that made me feel safe and happy, a million more stars.

the saddest part is how god damned easy i am. just blowing in the wind. you could have me back with the snap of your fingers. i can’t control my own actions. the decline is sickening, even to me. i wish you’d have told me. maybe things wouldn’t have gone this way. i wish you hadn’t felt responsible for making me better. i hope you don’t feel responsible for the things i’m going to do. every day since, i’ve wondered if it could have been avoided. one thing i always think about, that night, i was asking you if you were going to do it, telling you to just give it to me straight. i always wonder if, maybe, if i hadn’t been talking like that, maybe you wouldn’t have. it’s foolish of me. to wish for us to still be together, me understanding that you couldn’t display love, that you couldn’t work to make me better, you understanding the same. maybe things would have worked. i don’t know. it’s so foolish of me. i’m so sorry.

there are better people out there than me. you already know that. i’m sorry for expecting you to change your mind on the things you wanted from your future. it wasn’t fair. i was just so hopelessly in love. still am. it’s okay.

when i’m gone, everything will be different. i hope you will be happy in my absence.

you mean the world to me, and you always will.

i love you.

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