the eternity that may never be

i fucked up as usual.

i miss you really fucking bad.

i wish you’d at least just tell me you’re okay.

fuck, i’m sorry.

i would wait forever for you.

i’m sorry. i shouldn’t say that.

it’s the truth. i know it’s fucked.

i just miss you so bad and, as usual, i’m struggling to understand all of this.

it seems like, from what you’ve said, having me in your life that way was preventing you from focusing on yourself; from getting better. but then sometimes you say that i wasn’t stopping you. and, well, after you did it, you said you wanted to still be friends. don’t friends support each other in the same ways? wouldn’t that have been just as bad?

was that not really the reason? are you just trying to protect me?

i don’t understand.

i wish i could just be there for you whenever you’re feeling down, be there to help whenever you wanted, yet still give you the space you need to heal. i wish, i wish.

sorry for everything i say and everything i write.

i really want to hear your voice, but i’d probably cry even harder. every time i see you, you’re perfect light disappearing over a dark horizon. i don’t know what to do anymore. i would fucking wait forever.

please, please, please…

i need to fucking stop. sorry.

your happiness is what really matters.

you’re my one true love and you always will be. i’m sorry for that, but maybe it’s worth something to you. god, everything hurts.

i don’t understand. i really don’t.

i’m sorry.

i want you back so bad.

i need you back.

but i know it’s not the same for you.

i think.

i don’t fucking know.

i understand.

i need to leave you be.

i wish you’d just let me die. the fact that you didn’t serves only to fuel my absurd hopes- my mind clouded with thoughts that perhaps it was all meant to be; we’d be back together and live happily ever after.

i hope you can forget. find someone better.

you deserve the world.

i love you, princess lilac.