A solution to [social] anxiety

As a boy, I would get nervous calling up a business to ask about their hours. This of course, was before the internet made such interactions with strangers faceless or unnecessary. But my anxiety has persisted up to this day. If I must speak to people that I don’t know, my heart tightens and my body plunges into a heat wave of nervous energy, like the flame beneath a kettle turned way up.

Get this though, I’m a highly functional person. I’m married, have traveled all over the world, played various team sports, built up a consulting business, and am now launching my own product company. Yet ordering from a barista still feels like a burble of awkwardness.

Talking to an attractive woman? Like grabbing the handle of a scorching pan.

Interviewing for a job? Trial by fire: scream and you’re guilty.

Public speaking? Walking through the boiling pits of hell.

It might seem like hyperbole, if you hadn’t actually ever felt this way before. I’ve learned to mostly manage these feelings by now, through practice and discipline. And I even go out of my way to tackle them head on (though my last public presentation was a disaster). But there’s coping, and then there’s resolving. This week, something magical happened, and I now have a solution.

Disclaimer: If this works for you, fantastic! I’d love to hear your story. If it sounds like a stupid mind trick, well, you’re right of course. Just remember, it’s your mind you’re up against.

Why was it that my social anxiety greatly intensified around people I did not know? Yet, when interacting with people I know, I am drastically more comfortable, open, myself? Two nights ago, at Analyze Boulder (a meetup for data geeks), I stood up in front of a crowd of 100+ people and asked a question. Microphone and all. Big deal, right? Except it really was easy. I enjoyed it.

What was the difference? I did not know most of these people. Reflecting on it yesterday, I realized that even though I did not know them, we were a bunch of geeks there for the same reason: to learn. This acted as a proxy for knowing, or perhaps, trusting them. Thinking back on other times in my life when I’ve been socially at ease, I realized that there was always some unifying purpose behind what we were doing. We were interacting for a reason.

Take playing a game or sport, for instance. All inhibitions are gone when there are set goals in place. Whether working together or in opposition, I understand how each player relates to each other. And can act accordingly. However, when that relation is unknown, anxiety sets in. Like a stranger living in your house. Who are they? What do they want? It’s not that I inherently distrust them, as that would be easier. It’s just, why is there a stranger living in my house?!

Such is the life of an introvert: We are at home in ourselves. And everywhere we go, people are wandering into our home…

So here’s the mind trick: figure out the “why”. Find a common purpose in the situation where you feel aligned with others. Start with yourself, and keep asking “why” until you get out of your own way and realize you’re all there for the same reason.

It’s simple triangulation. You find your relationship to each person relative to some higher purpose. For an introvert like me, this knowledge is like a magic key that unlocks my dark uncertainty, the source of my anxiety. And the real me can show up. And the real work begins.

This journal is part of a series of Friday Musings I’m writing to answer the question: what did you learn this week? If you’d like to contribute or follow along, send me a note (pcm at bicycl.com).