So my mind is telling me to shut down… to stop talking to you and that it’s better to go on alone because… all of the becauses. There is always more than one.
I felt this coming on starting last week… Like a movie where the protagonist is jolted to another glimpse of another life for a second and he starts to understand his past through millisecond visions… I have them too… but mine are like electrical shocks (gchzzzz gchzzzz) and fuzzy black-green flashbacks of just a few months ago where I was using and miserable… sometimes they go further and remind me of embarrassing episodes in my life pre-dating my using… getting caught picking my nose, being rejected by the girl after building up the courage to ask her out (via note… couldn’t even do it face to face), introducing someone and forgetting their name… sometimes the jolts flood my mind with feelings of self-doubt and worry and my own prediction of the future which is never very worth trying for…
What’s happened since late afternoon yesterday is that a real reality came on and is making me face things again… things like doing a resume which is forcing me to look at my past and I don’t like looking/thinking/feeling the past… uh, yeah… that gap in time from being a business owner to now? Drug addict. Why did I sell my business? Drug addict. Why should you believe that I won’t go out and use again? Or get so depressed again that I can’t work? Good question.
I’ve also felt a little like I’m slacking off in my recovery… I’ve stalled on my 4th Step… not good.
I’ve been trying to distract myself with other activities and helping other addicts and being with my son and family and those help… they bring immense joy and serenity to my life… gratitude abounds mostly… but that’s where the jolts come in… right in the middle of joy (gchzzzz gchzzzz)… and I know.
But I avoid… and this happens. I’m in Extreme Quiet Time of the worst kind. This is my only communication. And I’m in between rational and irrational right now… I know what to do but don’t want to do it… I’m in that fracture of realities.
I’m really good at holding walls up.
Originally published at itsbeentimeforawhile.com on April 4, 2017.